Any dude who asks me to close my eyes and then tickles me in the ribs, can explain what happened to his dick at the hospital.

Tickle Monster = Serial Killer #truefacts

As does my cat. He’s a cat.

The thing that’s been hitting me personally about this is that it was a concert. Music, for me, is the most healing and uplifting tool I have when bad times hit. I sing with a group that does musical outreach, bringing live music to people who can’t get out to concerts (the elderly, sick, etc), and the energy in the…

Even I have to admit to feeling a particular sadness for Grande, and I’m a woman in her thirties who couldn’t identify one of her songs if I tried. Those children were there to see her. She has to live with that for the rest of her life. It’s a tremendous burden to bear and I’ve saved some of my good thoughts for her…

Ummmmm... I’m just saying, but he definitely waived all attorney client privilege by having that discussion in public where anyone could hear it. If this woman has a private attorney that is looking into a lawsuit, and you find out about it, you should absolutely call up that attorney and let him know about that phone…

This is great news! I had the misfortune of sitting next to this asshole at the airport two days after the inauguration. He was on the phone with his lawyer and I overheard the whole conversation. He originally called the lawyer to advise him to get the footage of the woman leaving his room so they could prove she…

He died as he lived. Stupidly and killing things.

As it is written in the book of Elephesians 13:3, “And Lo the tusks were found upon the land so created by the one true Elephant. That they might trample upon the earth and that the ivory might be a beacon unto its people.”

I like turtles

This is the best Nicolas Cage photoshop I’ve ever seen.

For the last 8 years we had sane and capable president. Now we have a cranky toddler in charge of the military. Kim acting crazy is a lot scarier when the man baby in charge is dumb as fuck.

I was reading profiles of women who voted for Trump because I wanted to know why they did it.

I do have to say that it does bother me that the standards for being on air network talent are apparently higher than being President of the United States. But that a problem with voters not network tv.

they’re not called “sea puppies”

What gets to me is, it doesn’t really matter if it’s playful or not. After every encounter like this—the gorilla dragging the little boy in the zoo, the Siegfried and Roy tiger attack, the orca at Sea World—there’s always a debate about whether the animal was playing or trying to help or got scared or was attacking…

I heard that some people can’t see a good thing without trying to shit all over it. And then trying to pretend it’s not them doing the shitting by hiding behind “some people” instead of owning their shittiness

OH MY GOD! I knew I had seen him before but couldn’t put my finger on it. Thank you so much for reminding me where.

I think they’re going hard on Mikey Day.

Sometimes, because we’re terrible, my Mr. Delicate and I will shout the end of a sad story in that throaty voice. “AND THEN THEY TOOK HIS FROZEN CORPSE OFF THE MOUNTAIN!”