Ooooooohhhhhh. Anonymously shipped gummy dicks. Wish I had known about these before Christmas.

I’m assuming the quotes in the tweets sounds like something Trump would say.

Goodell went on to say about the players: “They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, do not play for Cincinnati.”

Goodell: I think this is going to be one of the great complexes in the world, perhaps even rivaling my God complex.

Just fyi, Deadspin’s official editorial policy is that the Chargers holding an option on moving to LA is the same as them having done so; they can eat shit until they decline the option, and for that matter if they do they can eat shit for having lorded it over their fans in the meantime.

I’d send them a farewell package but I already shipped all of my dildos up to Oregon.

It taught him to dance.

“I have two boys, six and three years old.”

And I’ll take the black licorice you don’t want.

I hate it when people do this... Have we just crafted ourselves a society where adult humans can’t understand the difference between leaving your child sitting someplace that you can see for a dramatically short period of time and forgetting an entire human inside a car for long enough to end it’s life?

An hour after you left, a Target employee noticed that there was an unusual number of confused-looking customers wandering up and down Aisle 6.

“The toddler slowly sweltered to death, strapped into a car seat for nearly nine hours in an office parking lot in Herndon in the blistering heat of July.”

While the father spent nine hours in a 7-11 eating taquitos?

The correct #1 for napping is “in bed, with someone you’ve just fucked.”

Recliner with a blanket’s damn nice too.

Saying Lemon and Orange are the worst artificial flavors? My god man, what has Chopped done to you?

I once was out of town and I called my wife around 5:00 PM on a Saturday. I was renting a room and after the call I took a little nap.

This illustration looks like Obama, a few moments after he decided he had zero fucks left to give. Best he’s slept in 7-plus years!

“I was getting lunch today, and the two 12-year-old girls next to me ordered virgin mojitos. That can’t be a thing, right?”

While in high school, my friends and I dressed in red shirts and khakis and hung around Target for this exact purpose. We got approached by random customers a few times and gave obviously unhelpful answers (we had agreed that we would answer every question with “it’s located next to the condoms! Aisle 6!)

Speaking of Thriller, my 4-year-old daughter always yells “Adele!” when she hears a Michael Jackson song on the radio. At first I was amused, then annoyed, but now I’m amused again because I think she’s fucking with my wife and me.

I always thought number one would be a bosom...I mean, those other places aren’t bad but cmon.