Back when I smoked, I got the chance to go to a fancy conference as an intern. The only other person that smoked at this job was the executive director, and I had to walk by her desk to take a smoke break. She would insist on going out to smoke with me and it was 50/50 she would bum a cigarette off me. As a result, I…

I hope they can rinse all that santorum off of it.

Enjoy it while it lasts, kid. Being a smart kid is hell as an adult. People have so many expectations for you, so many goals, so many AP classes. You have so much promise as a young thing, so bright and clever, and suddenly you look around and you’re sitting in your pajamas, watching Netflix, doing nothing with your…

OH FUCK THOSE TWUNTS SIDEWAYS WITH A RUSTY RAKE.

I was dancing in a crowd when a fast-paced song started playing. I start dancing faster, having a good time, notice more people watching me. I close my eyes and do a weird hair-whippy thing.

Like most people, I was an gangly teen- all pimples and limbs and braces. I had a huge, super nerd-girl crush on someone I’ll call Joe. Joe was a year older than me even though he was in the same grade, and had bit puberty sooner as a consequence, so was more man-than-boy shaped. Ravelston likied.

One look at time on…

I was the ONLY friend in my circle who didn’t have a date to prom; which was fine since I had the type of girlfriends who couldn’t give less of a fuck about that sort of thing. We would all dance with each other’s dates and made it more of a communal experience.

Female air marshals.

“Failing that, maybe verbally abusive people throwing adult tantrums in the aisles should be removed from the plane?”

You are beautiful and terrible. I want to travel the world with you.

I was studying abroad in Malta and my group was about to board a flight to go to Florence for the weekend. A girl in our group (who was planning on meeting someone she met from the internet) asked what movie she should watch on the plane. I told her to watch Taken. I enjoyed her reaction afterward when she yelled…

Not that this isn’t great, ‘cause it is, but don’t forget the Commander in Chief of Making Faces at Babies #USA #USA #USA

I think I’ve got the creme de la creme. When I was 12, my family took a trip to Disneyworld. The first day there we did the usual rides, food, etc. (Tower of Terror is the shit!!!!). While waiting in line for The Great Movie Ride I started getting a little groin pain. At first I thought I just really needed to pee.…

Happy Birthday! Here is some nsfw Fassbender, since he’s your b-day twin and all. No other motives, obviously.

I generally never found telling people I couldn't get pregnant hard. I mostly felt bad for them because they'd get this look of horror on their faces. I could actually see the hamster inside their brains screaming OH FUCK SHIT COCK NO and then I'd have to comfort them. :p

What should I do? How do I stop feeling this way? Do I just drop everything and become an accountant or whatever?

I actually went into a Sephora years ago having hardly ever worn make up and about to start my first "grown up" job. I found a helpful-looking employee, basically said, "I'm clueless about make up, what do you recommend for something professional-looking that won't take me forever to do in the morning?" and walked out…

"How do you handle it?"...your partner learns to grow up and stop acting like a child. Bam, solved.

I LIKE MY MEN LIKE I LIKE MY COFFEE