I love how mom (is that their mom?) turns to hug Eli but then realizes it’s Eli and then half asses a high five.

When the election is over and a new president is inaugurated, he’ll hire movers to start moving into the White House

As long as you want it more?

It’s beginning!! He’ll never accept a loss, or entertain the notion that his campaign was fairly beaten. This is the first step down the path of running as an independent! Bwahaha!

Trump is realizing he got out scumbagged and will now ramp up his scumbag quotient. It’s going to be a glorious dumpster fire.

These tears... they taste so good. It’s like he’s discovering for the very first time that other people lie, cheat, and steal just like him. Delicious, delicious tears.

We knew the meltdown was coming. I loooooove his meltdowns! Let’s hope he starts up on how it was stolen by a foreigner too. He’s a giant, puffy, orange, baby and I love to watch him cry!

In the immortal words of Jeffrey Lebowski, he’s not wrong, he’s just an asshole.

I can picture 50 Shades of Bush so well, please write more!

“What kind of things do you like me to do with you body?” Jeb said as I looked over the contract. “Do you like it when I keep it from healthcare?” Oh my. My inner goddess screams YES but I blush.

I hope he doesn’t drop out anytime soon. Now that Trump has somewhat reeled in the crazy and Carson is about to drop out any day, we don’t have a lot of people who will bring the funny anymore.

I actually think it would be to Kit Kat’s great benefit to introduce a bar with a higher wafer:chocolate ratio. I’m always nibbling the chocolate off the outside of the wafers to create this effect, but it would be much more efficient for me to just have a version with increased wafer volume.

And a hearty “see you later, alligator” to music critic, cookbook author, and honorary Duggar Mike Huckabee. (Sorry, I thought changing the subject in O’Malley’s goodbye article would be a fitting tribute to O’Malley.)

He will. It’s just after how tiring the festivities were, he’s probably knee deep in bodies, ravenously sucking blood in a feeding frenzy to maintain some semblance of youth. He’ll lift his head soon from a femoral artery, his lips and face smeared with blood to bellow at an intern to grab him his phone and some baby…

I went into the bathroom, did my business and stood up to wipe (yes, I am one of those)

Megyn Kelly asked Donald Trump ONE question that did nothing beyond actually just quoting his own statements. And this asshole can’t stand to be in the same room with her.

I can totally see Trump doing an hour long play-by-play simulcast on some other Fox network during the debate:

Did he also put his six favorite toys and a granola bar in his Dora the Explorer backpack and tell Fox News that HE’S RUNNING AWAY AND NEVER COMING BACK AND THEN WON’T YOU BE SORRY!??

Oh for fuck’s sake. I thought women were supposed to be the vindictive, overly emotional ones who can’t hold positions of leadership because our hormones will get the best of us and one day we’ll read Cosmo, think we’re fat, and then we’ll nuke some shit.

Rand, here’s your chance to go up .5%, don’t squander it!