This is about my twin sister. First day of school, she was in second grade. A boy named Ricky started picking on her. Pulling at her hair, slapping, kicking and terrorizing her. She was scared but nobody did anything. The teacher just told Ricky to stop it but he continued. He was big and an asshole. He grabbed her…

So, when I was in kindergarten, I wasn’t allowed to carry an umbrella on the bus.

I had this happen when I volunteered at my daughter’s school for picture day. I was no-makeup, hair in a bun, baggy sweatshirt, and 33 goddamn years old. A teacher came up to me and said “Whose class are you in, sweetie?”

I used to teach elementary art in a really low-income school district near Denver. One student, Franklin, was a third-grader who was homeless and living in a car with his mother at the time. The district and social services were aware and helping as much as possible, but mom was hard to work with due to some ongoing…

I have always had a baby face. At 27, I look like I’m a teenager, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be carded well into my thirties.

I’m not one of those people who despises Kim Kardashian. I’ve tried to be, but I lack the will to care about her with any degree of intensity beyond that which I feel for breakfast cereal. Which is to say: essentially nil. I think she’s vapid and self-absorbed but is, on the whole, a decent person who works hard and…

EW ew vodka no never ever.
I can’t even go near goldschlgger or jaeger after an unfortunate liquid cocaine incident. To the day the smell of cinnamon hearts makes me wretch.

AND BABY JASON SEGEL.

baby seth

penalty kick

Iggy Azalea

People were commenting on break.com’s version of the article with the phrase “TIPS: To insure prompt service”. Butchering of the English language aside, what the hell? Like servers and waiters have control over how long it takes the kitchen to make things.

Do these people think that’s a teaching moment? Like “oh, I’ll show you, server person, with this super unnecessary comment on the check”? Because all it teaches me, folks, is that the world would be better off if you were eaten by dragons.

White people who are really fucking high and have a disposible amount of money but lack the sense that the gods gave oysters.

Wouldn’t free ketchup actually be commie? Charging for it is very American and capitalist.

Don’t they crawl back up sometimes? Retreat in the face of danger to a dark cavity? (I only borrow a pair.)

Every time I read about Trump moving up in the polls my testicles undescend.

This is what he means by “hoverboard” apparently.

WAIT WAIT WAIT. We have hoverboards now?! When did this happen?! Why didn’t I read an article about it?!