You know what would be ironic? If you were a meteorologist who planned her wedding on a day when you predicted it wouldn’t rain and then at the last second your fiance ran off with the maid of honor.

The FDA should require every Dominos Pizza to come with a handful of of Tums and at least 1 Imodium per slice.

Your stories of traveling the world and continually eating Dominos Pizza is giving me serious Michael Scott eating at Sbarros in Time Square vibes.

If you want to experience a hearty dystopian chuckle, check out the reviews for Dr. Pepper on Amazon. I swear the entirety of the human condition can be found within those comments.

I choose to think of it as sepia. Helps me sleep at night.

Driverless cars are a perfect fit for Dominos’ tasteless pizza and “married” customer service reps. Yeah, I’m talking to you Michelle. You know we were meant to be together, and I won’t fall for your little games.

And while we’re on the subject of begging, please ungrey me. I feel like the Wizard of Oz before Dorothy walks outside and it’s really messing with my seasonal affective disorder.

Jesus did say to help the needy, so it kind of follows that the world’s most shameless beggar became exceedingly wealthy.

Psh, Jim Edmonds could have made that catch in his sleep AND opened a themed restaurant by the time he woke up.

I’d pay Showtime $100 to see Shep and Ernie in a cage match. Shep can throw dash buttons and Ernie could use his ultimate finisher READ THE ROOM. It would look great on my TCL’s P-series TV with an HDTV Bias Light Strip.

I’d pay Showtime $100 to see Shep and Ernie in a cage match. Shep can throw dash buttons and Ernie could use his…

I was in the same boat last night, but if the Astros are even remotely resourceful they can find some guy selling adderall behind the bar and salvage the night.

I am firmly pro-clowning and I ain’t trippin either.

Halep me if you can I’m feeling down, and I do love mashing balls so small and round.

And who conveniently retires just before the allegations start trickling out.

“Cooks will sew the cavity of the duck shut”

I feel like syndication royalties are the ultimate participation trophy.

Grit is a dish best served in a humid gymnasium, complimented by a symphony of grunts.

That victory music still fills me with an exceptionally eerie feeling. I hope Sharapova fares better than the last person championing it in recent memory.

You know what isn’t my favorite track?