Yeah, she wants you to know that she's going to call the cops if you don't stop groping yourself in her driveway.

I pawned all my participation trophies and bought a sushi burrito.

Uncle Ben is bitten by a Wolf Spider and turn blue and red all over.

And she's single!

I like the way you think. How would you like to be co-producer on my gritty reboot of Bazooka Joe? Intense PTSD flashbacks upon hearing chewing gum bubbles popped. You're gonna love it.

OK, but just a little. Gotta keep it PG-13. Maybe there can be more in the Criterion Collection cut.

This really is the crème de la Kremlin of pun threads.

The Trump Presidency is playing out like the direct-to-video sequel to the Bush II Presidency.

I want them to make a Spider-Man film where Uncle Ben doesn't die immediately. And he stays alive for long enough that you start to think, "Hey, maybe in this movie Uncle Ben doesn't get murdered and is actually a real character for once." And he starts to grow on you and develop his own character arc. And just when…

*400 pound hacker pauses for a second, does it anyway*

*takes a Crazy Bone right in the teeth*

My fidget spinner helped me quit smoking, and it's helped me get closer to my father. Two things I really didn't want. Fucking thing sucks!

I can't believe that the guy who starred in the direct-to-video sequel to Dumb and Dumber grew up to be the First Son.

Luckily it will be pretty easy to track down the phone records, seeing as they're all on the same family plan.

No, that's 'The Rocket.'

You've been warned Papa, preach one more time and you'll be held in contempt!

There's war on the streets and Kabbalah in the middle east

"You call this Justice?"
*Storms out, files appeal to the Nordstrom Rack*

"The defendants would like call a witness to the stand."
Sting: "We are spirits in the material world."
"Thank you, the defense rests."

Make sure everybody's authorized
When we write to our enemies