I've done whippets in a Cash and Carry before and let me tell you, they do not appreciate it when you graze the barrels of maraschino cherries.

Breaking: John Oliver discovered by paramedics in NY hotel room. Preliminary reports from EMT's on the scene indicate a strong probability of self-evisceration. NYPD not commenting on speculation of auto-erotic evisceration. Updates to follow.

It's not a goiter, he's just doing an animal impression for one of his bits. "Tom Price is burying his SEC transcripts underground like some sort of insider trading SQUIRREL." Or something.

Good thing I get all my news from the AV Club and my whippets dealer.

In that case, I'd be comfortable being referred to as a 'Total Padmé.'

I demand to be frozen until they find a cure for male pattern baldness, humanity's greatest threat.

The Supreme Court is going to have to play an awful lot of Sudoku to keep sharp in the coming decades.

Unfortunately for the rest of us, there is definitely an upper limit on bowel control.

Well good look finding two other people to crawl into that colostomy pit with you, because I sure as hell won't.

Malcolm Xbox

Iambic pentameturd

I hope to you that I never experience a Kodiak moment.

No pain, no Gain

I say let the man use whichever detergent he feels is best. No need to cause a big fuss over it.

"I sense a dark disturbance in the window drapes."

"My Generation" would be a little too on the noose.

I sit alone in my four-cornered room staring at facebook

Also, I'm pretty sure they're calling it "Molly" now.

Well we've been able to see our future for quite a while now, but that's more of a curse than a blessing.

My dad still just refers to me as Boy.