A guy with a nickname like “The Mooch” can't possibly be clean. I'm sure “The Mooch's” brother-in-law would have had some dirt on “The Mooch” if CNN had just bothered to ask. Though I doubt “The Mooch” reneging on gentleman's bets and "not treating my sister like the saint that she is" are enough to get an indictment.

His master plan is to melt the Fortress of Solitude using the power of climate-denial and arctic drilling.

America has the greatest, most incredible antibiotics in the world. Just terrific. Maybe if you start saving up now, you can cure that Chlamydia before you go blind.

But not his kryptonite-infused battlesuit. That was non-negotiable.

Honey, if you don't stop coddling our little Bill so much, he'll never grow up into a strong law that can stand up to rigorous judicial challenges.

I put in a transfer request to the universe where Bruce Springsteen united of all mankind and defeated the Moon Monsters, but those goons at corporate still haven't gotten back to me.

Ivanka, my sexy daughter, has a warehouse in China containing the world's largest tote reserve. Tremendous totes, you have no idea.

"She knew full well the risk of contracting CancerAids, and yet she still chose to have unprotected sex with that AVC comment thread. People need to start taking responsibility for their own actions."

I'm going to start referring to pregnancy as a 'sex hangover.'

These heroes just want to protect all women from the physical and psychological distress their wives experience when they're summoned to the conjugal bed once a year. It's an honestly noble endeavor.

Dennis Miller is pretty fucking rank, and Bill Maher has been giving off a noxious odor for a while now. I think America left him out in the sun too long.

And foxhunts!

All he needs is a good fluffer.

black forest haim

This time she swears that she just wants to borrow it.

As long as I don't find out they bring Koba back to life I'll probably go see it. Seriously fuck Koba though.

Well that's a lot of green to see this early in the morning.

He just doesn't have the effect she does.

I like my Polk runny and my Reagan scrambled if you know what I mean.

You're the meat puppet!"