Timothy Dolphin stars in 'License to Gill.'

What do Kevin Costner and Michael Phelps have in common?

Pshhh, an inferior non-gilled species has no place competing against a glorious gilled swimmer.

Gene Simmons belongs in a sealed elevator with nothing but Macklemore playing on the speakers.

"Whether the pubes are on our heads or between our thighs is of no consequence, what is truly important are the pubes in our hearts!"

I don't want to hear about an Alex Jones leak controversy unless it involves the evacuation of his bowels at the time of his untimely demise, thank you very much.

"That sour lemon face is your bread and butter kid! Now hold those guns up higher and somersault through the window of that skyscraper!"

You're right, and I apologize. As a dude with particularly pubey hair I know that the only way forward is to stick together, not to tear each other down. I'll do better.

Now appearing in UberPools near you!

Any actual hitman could have told you that Rupert Friend wasn't ready for the big time. He needed to be seasoned with a few smaller features first, like maybe a supporting role in a Resident Evil flick or two.

I was going to pay my condolences but then I was… well you know.

The target was massaged to a tender pulp. He 'bought the chair' if you will.
*Sinister laughter drowned out by soothing vibrations*

Dennis Rodman looks more and more like a human gimp mask with every passing year.

This guy's hair alone is enough to make him pubic enemy number 1

Now that's just a bald faced lie.

Hey now, it's not like they did it to Konami.

I was going to comment on this article but then I was distracted by a big ol’ bowl of chili.

Whoever though a bald guy could be a cold-blooded killer has obviously never met any of the males on my dad's side of the family. Soft as a Sharper Image pillow every last one, and smother than an American Standard.

Sorry imc440, but you can only save one of them. They're both dangling over a rock abyss in my hidden lair and the clock's ticking.

I challenge you to a cock fight!