Hmm, I saw him perform a few years back and it seemed like his spark was all gone. Just a pocket full of mumbles and rasps. Great backing band though.

Like all things, prison has it's benefits and it's drawbacks.

*rips shirt off, looks down at giant tattoo on chest*

I guess their fierce insistence on 'respecting the office of the presidency' now extends to Mel Brooks films. Can't wait for them to discover The Producers.

My Subaru Forester veers ever so slightly to the left when I take my hands off the wheel. Just the other day I was texting and driving and nearly plowed straight through Cory Booker.

We need to put Michael Scott in charge of US healthcare. Sure Jan will be PISSED, but we'll all get that sweet platinum insurance plan.

Anal Fissures

Corn Pone has been added to Uber's board of directors

Dammit. Now I have to block myself!

Donald Trump has more pre-existing conditions than Kevin from the Office.

There should be a spider man movie called 'Peter' where all he does is take pictures of sewer lizards and then run away when they notice him.

Phil can shave off his mustache all he wants but he knows what he did. It's not like he can go back in time and un-ruin my cousin's bat mitzvah.

But Lyft has those creepy mustaches that remind me of my great-uncle phil and I'm never getting in one.

MISL (Mothers In Support of Lyft) are just kicking back and watching the donations roll in.

That dude looks like one of those street hooligans from Batman Forever.

At what point does supporting Uber actually become worse than drunk driving?

I too, do not wish for the man who wrote Pet Cemetery to see the sweet pictures of my cat that I regularly tweet out. Stephen King is a twisted man and I don't want him anywhere near my lovely beasts.

I'm pretty sure the reason there are no real life super heroes is that all the millennial orphans are too entitled. It's hard to fight crime with a participation trophy and student debt.

Harvey Bullock uses excessive force on an unarmed black teenager and gets a few weeks of paid leave while they decide not to indict him.

Scarecrow loses his job when they find out he runs an alt right subreddit.