I like where your head is at. Meet me at the Soho House for a cocaine lunch and some more spit-ballin’.

MOMOA IS EYE CANDY AND YOU KNOW IT! HE CAN SWAP OUT FOR HARDY.

Dad number one is a workaholic who routinely misses his children’s events!

Dad number two is a “man’s man” who has nothing but daughters and can’t relate!

Dad number three got roped into dad-hood by his ball-bustin’ girlfriend and diapers are GROSS!

They’ve just had a bumper crop of Chris lately. Like that time I ambitiously planted three zucchini plants and then had to beg people to take the 5 billion zucchinis off my hands.

She was a good dog, Brent.

1.) Tom Hardy, for eye candy
2.) Anthony Mackie, also eye candy
3.) Jason Mantzoukas, wild card

Canada has large swaths of wilderness. I think they could build a Piers Morgan preserve, tag him, and set him loose in the Yukon Territory.

Fine, but you have to take Piers Morgan back.

Can you process dicks via a waterbath or do you have to pressure-can them?

Hey, it worked for Ben Roethlisberger!

DUN DUN

It’s bigot-ception!

Lisa Ling needs to do a segment where she heads on out to O’Reilly’s house and asks him questions about those saucy Irish tempers. I mean, it’s all in good fun and I’d love to know if it’s an “Irish” thing to cheat on your wife and then try to get her excommunicated when she divorces you.

My mom’s family is Italian too. Well, Italian and Swedish, but you don’t see them fighting and holding “grudges” because of some Swedish mafia stereotype.

Yeah, me teetering around on three inch heels isn’t going to fool anyone, and if I have to run for my life, I can.

(Also, I have a bum knee so heels could make it worse).

And I looked and beheld a pale man, with skin like the belly of a slug. In his right hand he held a machete, and in his left hand he held the decapitated head of a cheetah from a game reserve in Africa. And lo, his name was Eric.

I have a friend like this who claims that her unfiltered mouth is a result of being “Italian.” You know, because her ancestors came over last century and she has her grandma’s “killer” meatball recipe - it all translates into being an asshole with no filter.

I’m a short person, and flats do nothing for my stumpy physique, yet I wear flats every day because my doctor scared me from heels at an early age.

If you think the elderly can’t be nefarious, you don’t know AARP.

Can we talk about the mail? I’ve been dying to talk about the mail with you!