Attachment parenting has been linked to a marked increase in cats showing their buttholes to their humans. I mean, you do you, but I made my cats cry it out in the hallway at night and I’m basically happier for it, if you excuse the hairy pukes they lay out for me to step in during the night....

I’d invite you to my Facebook feed, where super-moms chat AT LENGTH about the wraps they have for baby-wearing. They also discuss the horrifying monsters who put their babies in cribs, which is exactly what Hitler would have done if Hitler were a terrible mother and not a dictator.

That’s terrible. I’d have my kid trained to jingle the bell by the door so they can go out and poop in the yard with the dogs.

Obviously. Spreadsheets detailing the comings and goings, grainy black and white shots of them from behind bushes. Cell phone records and bank statements.

What, you don’t keep folders?!?

So, as I learned yesterday, would this qualify as “some sleepyhead shit?” Or is there a new phrase, like #notwoke or #dumbshoes?

I mean, I know that there are apps that make fart noises, so I don’t know why I didn’t know about beats-per-minute apps....

I feel like I’ve barely been using my Prime account. I didn’t even know this existed. Thanks!

I mean, I think a space dagger would be a lot more fun in life than in death. But I’m assuming that said space dagger would imbue me with various super-powers that I could exploit.

Space daggers are good for soothing burns AND getting a perfect cat’s eye flick. They can also serve as flat-head screwdriver.

My mom was buried with a picture of her kids and a Richie Hebner baseball card. I feel like I should have made a stronger case for “space dagger.”

Well, that was an easy solution....

I feel that way about A LOT of pop songs, actually. Like, I love “Blurred Lines” - great beat for my running play list. But I can’t get a good tempo on my runs while I’m cringing at lines like “what rhymes with hug me?”

They need to do a lyric-less version of pop songs. Like Kidz Bop, but just remove the lyrics…

Yeah, but the girl on the bleacher wearing sneakers is usually the innocent one of the bunch. She’s not some slutty high-heels wearing hussy, after all.

Now we can get started with the real problem at hand, which is WHO IN THE HELL IS WIPING THEIR BOOGERS ON THE STALL IN OUR WORK BATHROOM?!? Gimme some legislation to handle THAT, America.

You missed the obvious “Harambe was a false flag to distract us from ongoing Jade Helm maneuvers.”

They’d just go to your party and deal with your kids and then gossip about your shoddy parenting on the party line later that night.

“Did you see what little Lady Heatherlee was wearing? That poor child in that dirty pinafore....”
“Lucille, don’t even get me started. I’m sure Lady Heatherlee was too busy reading those…

Shade Court refused to hear the case, so the decision of the lesser Diss Court stands.

It’s a slow Friday at work before the holiday....I need my Dirt Bag!

This case was absolutely horrifying. From start to finish, from the fact that the police had Bernardo’s DNA for over 26 months before they tested it....

Stick to writing about history, Hume!