All of these things will work, I am sure of it. Just as I am sure I will wake up tomorrow to Lizzy Caplan rolling out of my bed, sing-songing a cheery offer to cook us breakfast “because we’re gonna need our stamina.”

This is in the middle of OEM offer prices I’ve seen. My copy was 7 bucks and it registered directly with Microsoft (no shady workarounds).

What a fucking life that must be for the moths. Imprisoned, yes, but in a jail full of food. Sign me the fuck up.

Since I was a wee middle-schooler, one of my dreams was to have a pop machine in my house (like the ones at Macs or the convenience store). Four flavors would be enough. Now I’m 63 and I still dream about it a little.

Fantastic! Now I can pay my Showtime bill with canceled checks from 20 years ago!

I watch this -- shit, I often STUDY it -- because I know for a fact there are real people like this running amok in our world, and we best know all we can about that.

I turned off the closed captioning because it was blocking the view of Molly’s camel toe and immediately asked myself: “What are you doing with your life???”

I wonder if any changes will go away when Roku force-feeds an update.

CHALLENGE PRESENTED.

The word I hate most in a business situation is “passion.”
A real example:
“We are searching for a person with a passion for inventory control.”
Fuck that and fuck them.

I found this episode to be the worst of the season, save for Weekend Update, the short film and Jack White. Every sketch was too long by double, lazy and repetitive. I fast-forwarded through Woody’s monologue and the Hippo sketch. Not impressed.

Trailer Park Boys reboot brought me in way back when, and incredibly fun Korean dramas and rom-coms such as Extraordinary Attorney Woo keep me around.

With six or seven typos.

Get yourself an eyepatch and “Make Way for Tomorrow” is immediately available.

thanks for the six-year-old information.

At work I like to make one of those 90-second bags of brown rice along with my can of Chunky Soup. Mix ‘em together and you get two lunches out of it for less than 5 bucks.

What if you create a new Gmail account and forward all the oldest mails from my main account to the new one.

I was just talking about this topic with my wife....

My wife, Morgan Fairchild....

Yeah, that’s the ticket!

It seems Apple hasn’t figured out how to keep Siri working while your iPhone is powered off.

A 10.5-minute video isn’t viral.