I’ve just been tying flash drives to balloons and hoping for the best. And before you ask, they’re encrypted. What do I look like, a moron?

Tssssss

Tssssss

The correct answer is “long enough that you’re never nude.”

“There are literally dozens of us!”

Nothing is innately funny. But the irrationality of homophobia juxtaposed with a man crush between two guys that are clearly homophobes? I think there’s some humor there.

Of course it’s insulting to Goblins. You can only use other Trumpski-ites for comparison. Like he’s 1.5 Kellyannes or 0.8 Bannons. 

These are the only plastic shoes I’ll wear:

what’s in those holes? Moles?

Reminds me of the Rocky IV comparative training montage.

So they’re BirkenCrocs?

So they’re BirkenCrocs?

Best clause: “Because of the Ovo’s shape, it fits nicely into crevices...” 

Best clause: “Because of the Ovo’s shape, it fits nicely into crevices...” 

Blasphemy! Julia Roberts is a goddamned national treasure!

Can they send them one at a time? I’d rather be a plant serial killer than a plant mass murderer. 

Can they send them one at a time? I’d rather be a plant serial killer than a plant mass murderer. 

A fine game for ESPN8, the Ocho!

A fine game for ESPN8, the Ocho!

Who stole all of Jim Jordan’s suit jackets? That asshat’s in shirtsleeves all the time. 

This is my favorite headline in recent memory. Well done!

Just living life? Sweating in the undercarriage area like a normal human?

Just living life? Sweating in the undercarriage area like a normal human?