Most women like these things, in order:

THANK YOU. I have tried so hard to explain to members of my family that it’s bad form for me to wear my Tony Gonzalez Chiefs jersey, even though I got it as a gift the FRAKKING Christmas before he was traded.

Kansas’ rival is Kansas State, traditionally, though the parity between the two teams is rarely even. K-State beats KU in football, KU beats K-State in basketball, and no one pays attention to the other sports.

Because I saw it done recently, and it’s my new favorite Drew Magary reading game, here is a poem composed of Drew’s ALL-CAPS:

“Soccer needs aggregate scoring because teams don’t score enough. I SAY WE DOUBLE THE NET SIZE. Boom. You’re welcome, world.”

Texas, who hasn’t put together a decent season since 2009, is worth BOTH an Ohio State AND a Michigan? I’d say that it’s like having a Big Ten Network without Nebraska, in that Nebraska is a team that used to be good and now only has the fans that didn’t jump off the bandwagon. The Longhorn Network is failing because…

I don’t get it. Did Texas strike a deal with ESPN that says the other 9 member schools can’t band together and have a Big 12 Network without Texas? Let the Longhorn Network deal run out since ESPN stepped in THAT mess, and then Texas can join the Big 12 Network at the end of that deal. It’s not like they need Texas…

the Gilmore Girls used to take an hour off my life, every week.

“One year would be all he needed. Alabama was a train wreck before Saban took over, and they went to the Sugar Bowl just two seasons after he arrived.”

Chiefs, vs. Colts, 2013-14 Playoffs. Also, the Chiefs first game with Denver this year. I swear, Andy Reid lives to build up hopes and then destroy them, like some sort of demon who feeds on crushed dreams.

“I’m livid,” said Hugo Espinoza, a man who has spent 203 nights in Starwood hotels this year, in an email to the New York Times. “I dread to think what the merger will do to my platinum-for-life status.”

Some interesting facts:

“The movie is so innocuously likable on its surface, but below is this undercurrent of casual, flippant snottiness that’s a glib simplification of the tonal juxtaposition Schulz used to weave during Peanuts’ prime.”

I kinda get it. I grew up with Batman, Spider-Man, Superman, Star Wars, Transformers, Ninja Turtles, the Muppets, etc. and my dad couldn’t have given less of a FUCK. I think it’s cool that I get to share my childhood obsessions with my kids. I see my son go to bed holding his action figures and I think, these things…

After having a) attended multiple Chiefs games, and b) having graduated from Wichita State, which boasts absolutely NO football team whatsoever, the idea of a Chiefs game in the stadium whose main event is the Kansas High School State Track Meet is HILARIOUS. I think it should happen just so the Koch Brothers have to…

“We cannot agree that a rule permitting schools to pay students pure cash compensation and a rule forbidding them.”

“The records go back to 1980, and since that time, no NFL had seen its every possession end in a punt.”

If it’s someone I specifically need to have an exchange of information with, I go with #3*, but for most calls, I let them leave a message. It’s silly to tell people who they’ve called like they forgot what name they pushed in their contacts, and if they legitimately don’t know who they are calling I don’t need to…

All. The. STARS.

A slightly-too-old kid in a stroller is usually the least judgeable offense in a theme park.