I’m not leaving this planet until I know who did this, and how and why (though that last one might be self-evident).

That is a completely unfair characterization of ION TV.

Explode it you say?

“Give it up, Strawman! You’re no match for my VOLCANIC HOT TAKE!”

This reminds of that recurring guy in Community, who basically rented out his identity to Subway and Honda. Jake From State Farm is now that actor’s legal name, a la Jennifer Government. 

Mork from Ork abducted him to study human physiology, then wiped everyone else’s memory of him, all in preparation for his later invasion.

They did a The Name Of The Rose gag!

On the other hand, the BLEACH INJECTIONS are no longer touring.

Still, could be worse for KISS; just ask the members of TOUCHING OTHER PEOPLE’S FACES.

That gets him canceled? Jesus. Really? What ever happened to just saying, “Dude, that was a dick comment. Say sorry and don’t say that shit anymore.”

I was being facetious, but just stop while you’re behind, dude.  :D

Turns out Franco’s trending because some people are convinced that is voice is in the Spider-Man: No Way Home trailer.

Magnets, how do they reprogram my pacemaker?

Weirdly, Alexa just started playing the Joan Jett version just as I hit your comment.

In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police, who investigate crime; and the A.V. Club commenters, whose niche knowledge is mostly useless. These are their stories.

I have this amusing fantasy of buying storage space and filling it with boxes of fake treasures and other bullshit in the hopes it would show up on Storage Wars and annoy those people. 

Me to the grim reaper as he makes for Marky Mark:

That Sierra needed a ford.

Nothing says “sustainable” like floor to fucking 20ft ceiling windows!

Counterpoint: Old glass jars (pickle, jam, whatever) with lids work better. They won’t melt if your used oil is still hot when you pour it in, and they have a wider mouth.