I was pretty offended when one of my professors insisted sociology was a science. And then by his insistence that he was teaching good material (ze had a weird obsession of comparing things to Victorian times for some reason.

It's the han solo in carbonite recreated with a mattress that stuck out to me. It's both trying way too hard and yet kind of clever at the same time.

Maybe she was a planner, hid a bunch of perfectly matched clothes in a locker buried beneath the church or something.

Those are the rules of whodunnit horror villains, you can't have something like body type rule out potential suspects.

He also adopted a 16 year old boy…nothing weird about that.

Oh! It's a show! I was wondering how those slutty gays at Grindr managed to snag rob Lowe for their ads.

Well I guess I don't want to have sex with men right now, but I also don't want to have sex with women. It basically broke my boner.

I always think of Adventures in Dinosaur City. I haven't seen it since I was 8, but I'm pretty sure it was something like that, except it was about kids who got sucked into an alternate dimension or a tv show or something.

After reading that, I don't trust their judgement, at all. It was probably always bad.

The reason it sucked was apparently, get ready for this… they didn't know what they were doing and made terrible decisions. Okay, maybe that wasn't that interesting.

Can we all just agree that stealing jokes, being racist, and jews are bad things?

I got something about picking stocks and something else about Bernie Madoff. Apparently they think I have lots of money I'm looking to invest, albeit stupidly?

I once had someone order a brandy stinger with green creme de menthe. It both looked and tasted *exactly* like nyquil. It was gross. He pounded down 4 of them.

Now I'm sad, I did nothing to deserve this.

I just watched one of their videos of them on a morning show (yes I'm high) and the first trick they do is a cat riding a skateboard. But then no one stops the damn cat (apparently he doesn't know how) and you just hear it crash into something off camera and the trainer is just like "oops" and moves on.

It's a good thing the people who judge music claims aren't the same people who judge cartoon ones.

In real life those geese would have honked at her and tried to peck her eyes out. Geese are garbage animals.

My grandma (who is very mexican) was staying with us when she was shot and (though normally very easy going) refused to let us change the channel away from the hysteric spanish news coverage of her shooting. After the movie came out it was played at least once at every family gathering for years (still is, although…

I'm a mutt of genetics, but my irish and mexican features stick out the most. Sometimes people insist on guessing my race (not sure why, they get real excited about it though) and they have never once guessed right, and the guesses vary wildly depending on how tan I am (Italian? Asian? Native American? Jewish?)

Next expert witness: Being the guy recording reality show confessionals with contestants who won't stop crying.