Michelle will teleport him back to Wakanda. :)

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For those who haven’t seen the actual tweet this is referencing:

Oh who’s surprised? The man did make a pact with Satan back in his 20's so he could gain access to the Malum Indumentis sewing machine.

I know, right?! Especially since contraception is so widely available to everyone, doesn’t cause medical complications for anyone, and never ever fails!

“Unpenalized”? Yes.

Every rich family I know has some kind of annoying food beliefs or practices. They decided to go gluten-free, they only buy organic, they swear by oils, they only shop at Whole Foods, etc. Often, it’s a competition to see who eats the “best” and it’s a way to feel superior to others who can’t afford the same organic,…

You can find a version of these at Aldi, too, if you don’t live in an area served by TJ’s:

I play ambient electronic music as a side fun thing with a couple of other professor types. It’s all improvised bullshit. We played an art club venue that was ASCAP affiliated. They dunned the club because ASCAP determined, however they do it, that a 3 minute droning brown note was Metallica and that we had covered…

He’s got one of those mouth shapes no one ever chooses in Skyrim.

Ah, yes. Thank you, omniscient being, for finally explaining the truth of restaurants to us. As someone who has worked in all restaurants and seen all the possible scenarios, thank you SO MUCH for breaking it down to two possible reasons:

My university pays the football coach over a half-million dollars per year (and our football team is beyond terrible) yet we also have a student food pantry. It’s ridiculous and stupid that these two things coexist.

I work for a technology company that employs a large number of H-1B visa holders. My team handles all the visa applications, with the help of outside immigration counsel. The majority of our H-1B visa holders are Indian nationals. In the time since the Cheeto with the Pomeranian on its head took office, the WH…

Michael- your takedowns of these mayosapiens absolutely tickles me. If you didn’t already know, you are a day-maker!

Of course, as we all know, purchasing food to take away involves a legally-binding contract indicating that all purchased food MUST be consumed within 45 minutes of the transaction’s completion. If she didn’t eat all those cupcakes right away, federal marshals would have shot her to death right in the middle of the…

So chocolatechipcookiesforbreakfast was banned today. I wanted to start a thread because while I sincerely can’t imagine how difficult it is for the editors/mods to manage the influx of actual trolls around Jez, I also really wish there was some kind of system that allowed longtime community members to be given a…

These are the same fucking people who think immigrants are an economic burden on the country.

Yeah I think that might be twitter-reply-embedding issue and not a Jez issue? Not totally sure. But here’s how it should look:

Holy shit you weren’t kidding.