I guarantee you’re at least half right.

No.

Thank god dystopia has truly arrived.

So I’ll skip a couple of lattes to help the opposition realize it was never rigged in the first place. Christ am I sick of being in the “Turn The Other Cheek, Ironically” party.

Fantastic.

Idk, Satanic Lost Lesbians should be a bookstore café, or a band at least. Totally catchy.

Wait- are you a woman? Let’s hold up the mutual trolling for a second...can you help us understand how you suspended your disbelief enough to pull the Devil’s Lever? I mean, if the leader of the free world can go around grabbin’ chocha...why can’t I? The cognitive dissonance is off the charts here, Ms. Palin.

Who only talks shit to women, apparently

Woah- salty! Do you kiss your sheep with that mouth, Clem?

Resistance party song

Backpacking through a city?

Jesus, Ron wtf

Maybe he wants Cher to be his mom.

While I was initially moved by his accounting and feelings for our system, I would love to know the rest of his personal platform.

I used to work with a guy named Dan Smyzlojowicz* and he used to tell people that after parents passed he has thinking about changing it. “Oh really? To what?”

I couldn’t decide if she should’ve turned up her mic to compensate for her weak voice, or turn it off all together. She should use her fame a different way, I think. Like run a charitable foundation on Beyonce’s nickel.

Siri: Who’s shorter- Babs or Billy Bush?

There’s no crying in baseball.

“Mike Huckabee is the fake-injured pedestrian on the Russian dashcam of politics.” Am I doing it right?