I have a buddy who is one of those pager-wearing Nielsen people, and it’s as hilarious-looking as you think it is. The first time I saw him with it, I was compelled to ask if he was trying to become a 1980s coke dealer.

It’s true! He was!

Oooo, please tell us more about what’s wrong with those damn kids these days! I bet you have an awesome rant on safe spaces just rearin’ to go!

But remember, Bernie supporters are the racists! Telling a Black man to shut up and know his place is progressive if a Hilary supporter does it!

As opposed to telling BLM that they’re protecting crack dealers. Which is super progressive, right? Like when Hilary shouts down a Black woman for daring to interrupt her at her $500 a plate dinner. Super duper progressive and not at all racist!

“She has more votes and more delegates because more people like what she’s offering vs. what Sanders is offering.”

Ah yes, the ol’ “it would take a slight bit of effort on my part, so let’s pretend it’s impossible to do anything!” defense.

“Everyone else is doing it!!!” is the worst and most disingenuous defense possible. Is Beyonce so magical that people are incapable of basic thought when discussing her?

I say it pretty much every time, but God, I so love this series of articles. I want to bathe in this series. I want to live inside this series for ever.

Nope. I make more money than you, and I think this way. Let’s compare pay stubs!

“is that successful people work hard to put themselves in positions to be lucky.”

It was the weirdest episode of Wings I ever saw, that’s for sure.

Though it didn’t help to dispell the “maybe the Spurs are just too old” argument to have two 40 year olds on the court at the same time

No, it doesn’t in the slightest. They actually share a common background, which is that faggot used to refer to a bundle of sticks for kindling. Cigarettes got the name because they look like a little stick of kindling, gay people got the name because we like to murder gay people. This is, not coincidentally, the…

Definitely relates to size — for instance, the state of Iowa has one single crime lab where forensic autopsies are conducted. It can obviously get pretty backed up if several cases come in relatively close to one another.

Exactly — I get they were trying to show that these guys are ignorant and immature, but there’s plenty of other ways to do that. Hell, it’s not even the use of the term alone (I can’t think of any examples off the top of my head, but I’m sure talented comics can find a way to use it that’s both funny and not…

I do! Do you realize that children grow up into adults who can then use their fully-functioning adult brains to realize that a lot of what they did when they were children was really stupid? I mean, a lot of kids eat paste, too, but if Mauer up there were defending his love of horking down as much paste as possible,…

I don’t hate gay people! I just like using really deragatory words that imply being gay is equivalent to being an outcast that everyone hates! Why would people think those two things are related at all?!?

Eh, same thing as having children. There’s plenty of gross stuff, but plenty of great times. Whether the great times outweight the gross stuff is really up to your personal preference.

Ooooo, privatized prison. Will Hilary have a guest spot to pick up her gigantic political donations from the owners of the joint?