my dad buys my mom a journal for christmas every year. i mean, this man spends HOURS driving to different stores to find the perfect one. she mostly writes little blurbs, like “1/11/2017: rainy and foggy, i had the day off and [husband] is working in the basement. we are having dinner with marvin and marilyn tonight.”…

“I’m watching you too, Bill”

Victoria Beckham has always been much sharper and more self-aware than people give her credit. The reality TV show she filmed when she and Becks moved to LA in 2007 is a comedic treasure.

Natalie Portman is beautiful but is the most wooden actor of our time. I feel as though she could be made into an armoire.

Fun fact: Fred Armisen did his pitch-perfect Penny Marshall impression for this memoir’s official book trailer. In it, Penny answers a phone call from Carrie.

My takeaway here is that Katie is rockin’ some pretty decent core strength!

It always seems as though one of the potential causes of mortality in Australia is that of wild animals gaining entry to one’s domicile. Fascinating beasts that seem almost mythical to the rest of the globe.

2016 gotta 2016.

Look he can’t hel...

But a year in jail wrong?

You’re saying the sushi I was about to order from Craiglist might not be healthy?

I’m going to be annoying but there is a reason there are food safe laws. I’m not saying this woman’s ceviche is going to make you sick, but selling food that you make in your standard kitchen cannot be guaranteed safe.

Trusting people is hard and sometimes we’re wrong. It makes me sad that people are dicks because someone “should have known.”

I feel like Kendall is going to end up married to one of those Saudi Billionaires. I don’t know why.

Ah, thank you! She probably should have just used her words.

Please allow me to decipher the language of the emoji. Cara surrounded a *sun* with *middle fingers* and preceded @victoriassecret with a *heart*

Being friends with your person’s exes is unnatural. I’m not even a jealous person, but if we’re happy as is, why invite potential drama.

That’s interesting because I’m also totally cool with being friends with my girlfriend’s exes as long as they don’t contact me or her or look at me or her or exist on Earth.

i’m fine being pals with all of my wife’s exes...as long as i am better looking and more endowed than them.