Don’t threaten me with a good time.

I’m a Rockies fan. Three of our guys, from last year, are on the Yankees this year with one of them being an All-Star. I hate that it’s forcing me to root for The Yankees, but at least I can root for The Nats in the World Series because of Parra.

I just can’t hate these Yankees the way I hated them in ‘04. There aren’t as many awful personalities, their owners are jerks but not nearly in the legendary way George was. They keep coming back from numerous injuries and bad luck.

They thought they traded for Sloppy Joe, but they ended up with Impossible Sloppy Joe.

my favorite was when aikman was complementing elway on his ability to understand quarterbacks...minutes after showing a graphic of the five dozen failed QB’s elway has brought in.

As a Ravens fan, it is astounding how many of my Autumn Facebook Memories are of single-line status updates bitching about Flacco throwing into triple coverage or getting sacked after holding the ball for 8 seconds during a three man rush.

I can’t decide whether he’s a lich siphoning life energy from other NFL players so that they age prematurely, or if he’s got one of those portraits in the attic like dorian gray.

Running a QB sneak on 4th & 1 is “chaotic” now? I know he had a slightly bum ankle on literally the opposite leg that was injured, but come on... there’s no story there dude. It was a reasonable call. 

But really, how many kinds of toilets are there? You’ve got ass, piss, vomit, and doggie drinking bowl.

Listen, this is more important than fantasy foo- *checks my own teams, thinks, wait he’s on BOTH of them?!* THIS IS A FANTASY TRAVESTY!

Fun story - back when I was playing football we had an amazing O-Line. Two of the linemen went pro (I was not one of them). Our QB one day decided to yell at the 330lb future pro and call him a lazy fat fuck because the QB had fucked up his hand-off (QB took 3 steps instead of 2) and he was sacked by the other team’s…

STEM: Shit Talking English Major!

I saw an NFL OWNER cheesehead hat during MNF last week. If you own one of these, or if you bought a certificate that says you’re a part-owner of one, please go jump into a vat of molten steel.

“Mother, light my wick.”

I have a co-worker who the year when the Saints had their Super Bowl run was convinced it was because players on opposing teams would let them win because of Katrina.

My grandfather also taught me how to cuss in Yiddish, a skill I’m still looking to use.

I was just joking with a friend about how stupid bulletin board material is. I’m going to assume that everybody in the NFL is properly motivated all the time. Oh now you’re going to try to win? Before you were happy to maybe beat the spread, but now it’s personal. You’re going to chew tape angrily.

Mike Pence is just the spark the presidency needs right now!

Carson Wentz looks like if Thoros of Myr gave up fire-priesting and got a job as a middle-manager at a North Dakotan hunting lodge. 

North Korea is so fucking weird man. Alot of the stuff you can chalk up to it being an oppressive regime.. but this is just straight up super weird. Is it because they were afraid they might lose to South Korea? So they didnt want their own people to see, so they didnt look weak in the eyes of the people? Just dont…