Am I really, really the first person to blurt out "The CRAPPIEST place on earth, amirite?"

That gif is TOO MUCH.

Oh god. One time my dog got into a bag of popcorn kernels and ate maybe half the bag. She pooped out straight kernels. I mean her butt was just spouting kernels. Poor dog. She probably started a corn field.

Mine like to eat paper. Cleaning up papery poop? Blerg. One is TERRIFIED of his poop when he eats paper, but is also a dog, so doesn't realize the cause and effect there. He poops and goes running as far away from it as he can. They also keep eating hairs, so sometimes get poop stuck in their butts, just barely…

If you don't believe in Mojo he skips your house.

I didn't realize my nipples were inverted until a boy looked up from them and said your nipples are innies lol. I went my whole life not really realizing mine were different. I figured one day they'd just pop out or something but no dice. Hopefully any offspring I produce will be able to work with my unorthodox…

Attention cool parents: no kids actually think you are cool. But they will drink the booze/do the drugs you provide, cuz, hey, free booze/drugs.

omg. pretty much all creative fight scenes in hero movies do it for me. the widow taking out dudes with that insane thigh move thing? omg.

He monograms thermoses, doesn't he.

He wears Exclusively Lacoste polos.

You know the one I hate the most? The that goes "I've traded nights out on the town for nights watching Disney films" or somesuch other bullshit. Fuck that shit. Give me a frozen margarita over Frozen any day. In fact, I bought myself a brilliant little cocktail set and I've learned Earl Grey tea is delicious if you…

Can we PLEASE be friends? Just because I have kids doesn't mean I like this corny ass shit! I'd rather play Lil Wayne to my kids than this shit.

I just want to warn everyone that these aren't "viral" videos in the sense that they have become inexplicably popular on the internet, but viral videos in the sense that if you watch them, a horrible and fatal literal virus will be transmitted into your brain and will kill you.

How do you feel about us discussing this? Is it uncomfortable for you, or is it good to have it out in the open? Thanks for speaking up.

at first i was all 'UH HOW WOULD A BUSINESS BE A VAMPIRE, IDIOT?!" but then i remembered corporations are people too.

True story, my baby gave the middle finger during an ultrasound. It was right after my grandmother said, "I wonder if she can hear us!"

So, there's that, yeah. It's horrible.

no no. "Christmas Shoes" is the worst. period. Christmas. period. Song. Period. Ever. Period.

As the father of a newborn daughter. I would do anything to protect my child from harm and I would never betray her trust. I see my animals as my children and protect them as such. I look at other people's animals as their children and treat them as such. If that dog was a child CPS would take that animal away in a…

Anyone who ruins the reputation of the name "Cameron" should get punched in the face by Bianca at the prom.