Respect the man's BBQ commitment - his backup propane tank has a backup propane tank.

That look of drunken exhilaration and zero coordination and blind luck is incredibly Midwestern. We all recognize it. My drunk uncle stepped backwards off a deck yesterday, stumbled like he had been shot, and then made the same face as that woman when he didn't spill his beer. It was magical.

Simmons: And maybe LeBron was thinking it was more like that story The Lottery where the 'winner' of the lottery gets stoned to death? That would suck, huh? Unless it was my buddy Sully, that guy's so fat he has a protective force field like he's the Death Star. And maybe then he started thinking how that's sort of…

You know, they don't just make up in Australia after a scuffle. They...

This is all about sucking, so I'll begin with me, in a parking lot...

Y'all so stupid. One of my best friends, WHOSE HOUSE EXPLODED, asked me to say these things so he can have responses.

Yeah, you can explode your house all you want, but why do you have to shove it down my throat all the time?

Hey, I just don't think that this sort of thing should be shown on television. It is just too over the top. I don't want my children exposed to this sort of thing, and it is just not part of my belief system that this sort of thing is appropriate.

I don't have a problem with houses exploding per se, but on live television? What am I supposed to tell my kids?

You're just a hater. When the Browns are in 1th place let's see you run your mouth then!

Who is Caitlin Kelly and why do we care?

I get where this guy is coming from. Hating Deadspin is a full-time job for me, and I'm sick of all the leitches-come-lately who waited until the Manti Te'o story or Doug Exeter's arrival to jump on the bandwagon.

I had a huge knock-down-drag-out with my ex about overpopulation when she wanted to watch that atrocious 19 Kids and Counting or whatever the fuck they call that Fertile Myrtle show. I said it was outlandish and completely irresponsible to have that many children, and she countered with "yeah, but they take care of…

You know, they really should. Because going to Taco Bell is kinda like running up the white flag re societal food conventions (and that's in no way meant disrespectfully); if you're going to Taco Bell at 9am, fuck it, might as well get a chalupa or whatever.

I, for one, find it reprehensible that you choose not to pay an extra $200 up front and $50 per month for the opportunity to be a worse person.

Is not having a smartphone the new I don't own a TV?

Locked in the bathroom at the Paralympics. Where is Oscar Pistorius when you need him?

She is badass.

I bet you eat at Applebee's too you sick fuck.

As soon as they unveiled the new uniforms, the team received requests from over 40 players to change their number to 80085.