I’ll never understand Sara’s affinity for the blonde moron with drunk face who was literally the least attractive dude there

“I am aware of the effect I have on adversaries.”

I’ve been getting diarrhea since before these people were born and I never got any clout from it. :(

This is engraved on my heart: “And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make”.  Beatles, Abbey Road.

I just snort instant coffee off a hooker’s ass like a civilized adult.

*Anttorneys-General

you know, morons. 

The Detective Crashmore trailer is pretty good, but the real magic is in the press junket sketch.

Boone’s Farm is not allowed at youth soccer games.

[indistinct chatter]

I haven’t seen TSAM in decades, but didn’t it proudly own its ridiculousness? My strongest memory is of Sarah Silverman’s “Hmm... a fatty who likes golf and beer. Gee, Mary, where are you gonna find a gem like that?”

That’s awful.

Slather is a word that should never describe something I'm going to eat. 

Is half his height his weird Funko Pop head?

I’m now imagining a fart escaping out of the back of that thing with a sound like someone slowly letting the air out of a balloon and I can’t stop giggling. 

I was going to suggest a fart escape hatch.

I just rinse it. When it gets gross, I toss it and get another. There is always a client I can steal a branded mug from for free.  Theft: It is cheaper than dishsoap. 

What is something that restores your faith in humanity?

I’ve never had real food poisoning, but there was a period of a few years where I ate a lot of hot pockets, so I feel like I got most of the experience?