Damn, that sounds very traumatic. Thank god it only happened once and not over and over again for her entire life. That’d be terrible.

My wife and I rarely if ever eat takeout any more. A few years ago we realized what we could spend on a takeout night, and I just started cooking that stuff at home instead. The flavor differences between the stuff you can find at a food establishment and what I can make at home are pretty drastic. Does my homemade…

No Q for you! You come back one year!

If he didn’t want to be groped, he shouldn’t have been wearing that hat.

Not Halloween, but still a dress up faux pas (or possibly the greatest dress up incident ever, depending on your perspective): A few years back my brother and his girlfriend decided to throw a nice New Year’s Eve party for a few dozen close friends and relatives. They rented a banquet room at a restaurant, had an open…

You’re both perfectly cromulant. 

Cream of Pete 🤷🏾‍♀️

Looks like Megamind

That’s why soccer men are the best: you get all the glorious thigh muscles without the broken noses.

I like to put mine in my back pocket and twerk. 

LMAO Is he actually that red from holding his breath?

Ain’t no party like a Methodist party, because the Methodists do not party.

The Sandy-in-a-bag-gag has run its course, please no more.

Bringing it back on the day of the week Chik-Fil-A is closed, no less.

For that amount, I would provide it.

So, I love Miranda Hart and therefore I hate to say this, but the resemblance is uncanny. You know who I mean. Chummy on Call the Midwife.

...and the proud owner of several antibiotic-resistant STDs.

Ok but I’m not the only one that thinks David is Ed Skrein in disguise, right?

If one needed a definite sign, there you have it: those are the socks of a psychopath.