See, this is why we'll never really be friends. The two best pizzas are:

I'm sitting at my desk wearing yoga pants right now.

I have no fucking clue whatsoever. This is a woman who named another daughter "Keisha Lorraine," because she'd heard it somewhere and it sounded fancy. We were like "fancy like quiche lorraine? Because you named your child after brunch."

Makes me think of Newhart.

I am white. My redneck aunt really wanted a son to name after her husband, Johnny. She had a girl, so she decided to make up a female version of Johnny. Did she go with Jamie? Of course not. My poor cousin is named Lechonya.

I'm genuinely shocked that my parents and aunts aren't in this article. Phew!

Oh my dear pink dinosaur. That's just silly of them. And yeah, tiny dinosaurs can fuck off.

"Don't even mess with that Instagram crap, don't even watch porn, all that stuff just makes you lustful and causes you to forsake what you already have."

Adultosaur, why are you now a bully? Did you eat too many smaller dinosaurs?

I dated someone who did this. My friends and I would repeatedly shame him in restaurants about it (the douche that he was Mr. Pink or something). If he still wouldn't tip, we'd always add extra cash after he'd left. It was so obnoxious, because he aaaaalllllways wanted to be Mr. Big Shot and pay for everything, so…

Ugh, I wish I could. I don't want William Morris to come after us, though!

Jack White is majorly on my shit list right now due to some bullshit he pulled that led to a bunch of unnecessary hassle at my work. Fuck him and his stupid face.

Thank you!

Grass always made me sneeze, but I loved Heaven and (later on) Blue.

Was it left or right shark? This is important information.

Hooray, these idiots aren't just in America!

Is this going to be a regular column of people who should get married? I really hope so!

The first two movies I saw Ryan Gosling in were Murder by Numbers and The Believer. It took me a literal decade to get what the attraction to him was, because those first two movies had me so terrified of him. Oddly, the movie that won me over was Lars and the Real Girl. He's just so gosh darn charming in it!

I did not, because I am not talented. They're totally doable, though, for people with skills, mod podge, and comics!

Clearly, she's awesome.