This is straight fuckery. I asked Siri right after I read that first article how tall Barbara Bush was and Siri said four feet tall.

I think listing the original parts would be a shorter list.

New nose.

I know, she doesn’t have that perma-squint.

Climbing on top of a overstuffed orange sack of rancid pork scraps, you mean.

wow, she is barely recognizable as the same person!

Someone go back and tell her that her future entails climbing on top of a disgusting old orange man for a living.

See, it’s not a bug, it’s a feature!

Eos not only caused my lips to chap, but at one point it also turned my entire bottom lip into a giant puffy monstrosity. On the other hand, maybe they should team up with Kylie Jenner and market it toward people who WANT their lips to be giant puffy monstrosities…

I ask this in both awe and kindness: How are you alive!?! Truly, you are a testament to the endurance of our species.

I am allergic to the most RIDICULOUS things. Lamb, coconut, shrimp, guinea pigs, pineapple. I am also seriously allergic to animal dander, and almost everything that you can breathe in. Sometimes, just for funsies, the membranes over my eyeballs swell up so badly that I have a hard time closing my eyes. Before I knew…

My chemistry teacher! She breeds mold-resistant strawberries (for a living. She teaches on the side, because apparently you can’t make a living being JUST a scientist or a teacher! Fun times, go America)

People can be allergic to virtually anything in this world. Now, if I could only find the maker of strawberries and sue for my daughter’s insane allergy every time she eats them...

Aren’t we all? So here’s a killer whale with a message for mr. Hilfiger:

As am I, but you know what, killer whales are fierce and pretty incredible. I’ll take it.

If Gigi is fat then I am a killer whale.

“Oh, my god, cover her she’s HIDEOUS!!! Those CURVES, she looks like some regular woman on the street or something! Can somebody, I don’t know, find a tarp to put over her?”

Most retailers already do this with men’s sizes. This and that male hormone birth control is really pissing me with off right now. Fuck.

Seriously. What an asshole. How about blaming the perv sexting your daughter rather than the woman who had literally nothing to do with it, Pops?

He’s probably one of the people who thinks this automatically means that Clinton was hiding something because the investigation is being “reopened,” even though it is entirely possible (probable) Clinton did not have anything to do with how the emails got on that computer, it is entirely possible the emails are…