Who downloads these weird, crappy apps in the first place?

I get the idea of calling folks on being pretentious, however dumbing down your language skills so you don’t appear to be elitist is short-minded. Yes some people get offended because I use words they don’t understand but this in English and not everything needs to be expressed solely in lyrics from a country or rap…

But it’s okay if you use it right, like referring to a penultimate word?

Plethora. Too much, eh? (I’m not crazy about myriad, either, as long as we’re talking about excessive ways to say “a bunch.”)

People tell me I sound like an ass when I properly use “whom” but I’ll die on that hill.

Wow, I had ‘Track Employees Check Work Phone Online Spy Free’ on my phone but figured it was just a legit stock app!

“Track Employees Check Work Phone Online Spy Free” - “This seems legit. Have IT install it on all new company phones!” 

Super Happy Fun Time Employee Spy Free Tracker!

The name of that last one cracks me up. So long and explicit.

But without Spy Kids Tracker, I won’t know when the next Spy Kid’s movie comes out.

I’m gonna sleep on my 7-hour flight and I don’t sleep with my shoes on.

I do not care what you think about my feet.
They’re clean, don’t smell and are none of your damn business.

Everyone’s just trying to get through the flight, don’t be a cop.

Respectfully, this is airplane shoe centrism that no one will be happy with. Do people really do this whole production?
The packing cube/plastic bag/slippers ritual is above and beyond what’s necessary AND involves being goddamn barefoot in an airplane/public bathroom. No thanks.

Damn I’m old. I keep referencing things from just 30 years ago and I’m getting more and more blank stares.

Nothing like a steamemed hams joke to brighten up your day!

You’re a strange man, but you steam a good ham.

TRUMP: Are those people saying “Fuck Trump?” On MY news network?

...you think he plans things?

Probably the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy movie for me. The casting is extremely spot-on (Martin Freeman as Arthur and Alan Rickman as the voice of Marvin especially), and that had been my favorite book since middle school.

Holy shit. Did you get a course credit for writing this?