Okay this one's funny.

Some guys just can't hold their arsenic.

I think it's poor translation/cultural differences. Some countries the word "martyr" is used sincerely. I'm a little annoyed the interviewer chose the frying pan cliche, though.

Happy "Oops Was That Antifreeze, I Totally Thought It Was Midori, My Bad."

Happy stabbings, ladies!!!

There are nutjobs in every group, and they're generally the loudest.

I so so so want there to be positive, non-sarcastic, non-insane representation of Paganism in popular culture... but I'm thinking Real Housewives are not gonna be it.

My daughters are the second generation of modest dressing in this family.

My daughters are the second generation of modest dressing in this family.

That mouse cares more about that cookie than I have cared about anything in my entire life. Thanks for shaming me, mouse.

oh my God oh my GOD the best part is when it runs in and snatches the food off the plate no wait! the best part is when it's gnawing away and looks up through its froze whiskers and ITS TONGUE IS POKING OUT OHMYGODOHMYGOD I AM DYING. I AM DYING.

What the little girl is asking in the end is "Can I call you Daddy now?" It is very sweet.

Thinking about high school still makes me feel all weirdly stressed out and gives me this kind of cringe feeling- like feeling embarrassed- but not over any discreet incident; it's like I have a feeling of embarrassment regarding an extended period of my life. I was one of the non-entity kids. Not full on nerd, not…

He's got style, he's got grace, he's got whiskers on his face, he's a kitty...KITTY...he's got fur, he's got claws, he's got little white paws, he's a kitty...KITTY...and the kitty is miiiine :-)

Mine will be called: This Is As Good As It Is Ever Going To Get And I Didn't Know It And Now I'm Sad.

I think I'm starting to hate precocious children.

Where did she go to school? At my high school walking around in white gloves and pearls would have just got you the shit kicked out of you everyday until graduation.