I feel like this whole weekend just needs to somehow be wiped from the plane of existance.

Do you ever just read stuff like this and think “we as a species really deserve to be hit by a meteor”?

Eh, I’ll stick to my original plan; responsible savings and investments that will one day leave me with enough income to appear on Millionaire Matchmaker. Like a normal person.

Every day I wake up, have coffee, then get down on my knees and thank The Noodle that I don’t have to date in the age of Tinder.

Turdface McDickpunch

Dear Universal,

If by terrorist mall attack you mean random people spraying cologne on me without my permission, then...no.

Trolololol! The fish rots from the head down. TrololoLLollool!

My mother agreed to let me have all the girls from my class to come to our house for the night. I think I was 10 or 11. That were about ten girls and only one adult. I was showing the girls who just arrived the basement when dryer girl was dared to go in to see if she would fit. She got in and closed the door. One…

Pixies don’t have pupils. That’s how you can tell.

It is, but once when my dog had a pussy sore I googled the term “pussy dog” and the results were horrifying.

I'm 32 and I just made a lasso out of a belt to drag a bag of chips closer to me because I didn't want to mess up my snuggie placement...people have let me buy a house and help decide if someone goes to jail.

There’s gender parity and there’s racial diversity, too.

It somehow feels even more tragic that she was believed by:

This is a dumb hill to take a stand on. Yes, PTA’s are associated with the schools in some meaningful fashion. That’s why the org exists, because the kids go to the school. Why take the most pedantic quibbling angle possible, rather than address the issue, which is of substance?

I don’t have kids and I don’t really know how PTAs work, but I assumed the T bit meant there was some sort of involvement from school employees, no?

You are singing the song of my people. I was in Target today looking for Thanksgiving (or, fuck, at least FALL-THEMED) decorations and shit for the upcoming holiday. I was specifically looking for fancy hand-towels for my guest bath, in case The Game wants to swing by and take some selfies.

Canada is huge with the “don’t start with Christmas until after November 11th” out of respect to Remembrance Day and our veterans. I am a Christmas loving freak but I can get behind it.