Trump is the kid who always hit the reset button on the Super Nintendo right before you beat him at Street Fighter 2.

I am one of the people who bought 4 tickets just because, and I don’t even have a baby sitter yet.

Dude, have you seen the trailers??? It’s gonna be lit, no matter what came before it.

Shorter April Ryan:

Just here for the comments:

Hopefully people read the entire article because there’s an all time simmons paragraph where he compares the people in the Patriots scandal to the characters in Almost Famous, which sounds like something you would make up if you were trying to parody a simmons article.

Crushing Georgia’s hopes and dreams is old hat to the Russians.

This really makes me lose so much respect I once had for Sager. I know this is a personal/family matter, but it’s still super messed up.

I could do without seeing or hearing from that fascist, dictatorial, tyrant at all tonight if you ask me.

In his defense, I’m sure ESPN would hurl some gotcha questions at him, like “Which team do you want to win?” and “What sport is this?”

Um, Barry, you got a slight error here.

Better than a new U2 album.

“hello the owner of this phone Courtney. I am buying an iPad.”

Non story. The only reason she was spotted under a highway underpass was simply because she was trying to get an interview with Johnny Manziel.

Holy shit. It was not fun watching Roy Moore hold a lead for the entire night. Though it was satisfying to have it reverse with less than 10% of precincts left. Huzzah for meeting some basic level of human decency in Alabama.

Just gotta get through this, Melania, she thinks as she walks through the whispering wood. Just gotta get through this.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP READING. LET THAT BE THE ONLY THING YOU TAKE FROM THIS ARTICLE.

11. Created a burner account so he could comment on The Root.