I’m fairly certain that screams of pain and agony from a person being brutally murdered are universally understood across all language barriers.

Didn’t Cruz marry his beard years ago? RIMSHOT!!!

Other SI cover story ideas:

OMG do you know what that horn would do for my bank account if I powdered it and sold it in Asia???  ROCK SOLID PENISES EVERYWHERE. 

It’s time to rethink LeBron James. I mean, he didn’t even get to play college ball.

I have no idea who this is, but just scrolling past the picture on the front page made my home office smell like body spray, energy drinks, and penicillin.

That’s exactly what a Soviet design bureau would come up with for a unicorn.

I would say I’m surprised Dwight has stayed silent and not tried to refute these claims, but he’s always been hesitant to defend and rebound in big moments.

We expect the raiders and others to be bad, even comically so, but the USMT is supposed to be competitive, like a top 10 program. TO not qualify for the world cup was a Trump level national embarrassment.

USMNT hands down. Supposed deepest team ever, rigged qualifying system to help them make the World Cup, playing against Mexico and a bunch of banana republics, and still botched it.  While the entire world watched and laughed.

I belatedly nominate FEMA for 2017 Ass Team.

Didn’t Mayfield have to go to rehab for taking shots in college?

Here’s another angle of the attack on our troops...

A rogue agency of the federal government fires a internationally agreed-upon chemical weapon across a border at women and children ...

The absence of Sleep’s The Sciences is inexcusable and either the result of shoddy journalism or poor taste. 

These are all great albums and I understand that quibbling about specifics is completely missing the point of these sorts of articles, but this seems to be mostly be a list of a very particular variety of metal. I think broadening this list and including bands like Haken, Omnium Gatherum or Rivers of Nihil would have…

Hah! Protein Salad Sammich is the answer to “what do I do with leftovers?” Insert salmon/chicken/whatever-non-cow-protein into Ninja, big squirt of mayo and whatever spice(s) catch my eye.

Pulse, pulse, squirt extra mayo, pulse, done.