I see you, Sips. 

They’re not “Wine Grenades?”

Maybe we had it wrong. Maybe we’re not going towards Idiocracy, maybe we’re going towards The Matrix. 

(Slow Clap)

Saruman the White is lookin’ good these days.

You expect me to believe Meltin’ John up there isn’t cranking off at least three times a day? 

Can confirm, even if his farts are essentially mustard gas and he howls when he dreams. 

And I’m spent. 

I mean they didn’t really show up against Puerto Rico... 

“Help yourself, you ain’t giving me shit.”

- Jordan Rodgers

I truly enjoy the black metal decor this white house puts out every year. 

Fuck yeah have a kids table. We loved our kids table growing up that when we got in college and started drinking we insisted on being sent to the basement away from the rest of the family so we’d play great games like “how fast can the two of us drink this bottle of Crown Royal” (10 minutes!) and “Let’s see how long…

Itty Bitty Gritty Colostomy.

If George Jones has taught me anything is that driving a scooter drunk is both a good and a bad idea. 

Sometimes, if you hit the sack just right, loads of presents will shoot out. 

I want to say Lebanese. My mom thinks she’s a “fraud” but I think that’s because my mom’s a “racist.” 

Oh I do the scrape and oil every time I cook on my Weber, but that’s because I’m weirdly concerned with the cleanliness of my grill grates. Does Chris Kimball do that on Milk Street? Haven’t had a chance to watch him do his own thing yet.

It might have something to do with sleep deprivation, but I’m having so much fun…

Jacques Pepin gets a pass because he’s probably helped Julia Child get away with manslaughter or an equally hardcore crime. 

Not to mention making sure you see him clean and oil the grill grates and talk about proper meat temperatures. He’s like the most exciting version of vanilla ice cream out there, and I’ll gladly take another scoop.

Cheese hanging halfway out the bun, huh? You know Tiffani from The Landing Strip Lounge by DTW airport?