The ones making a joke of his songs are funny but the ones that are totally random are hysterical. Unable to screenshot but these:

Beyoncé has ousted Oprah from the #1 spot in the Forbes Celebrity 100. There is unease and foreboding in the air this morn.

I propose a new derogatory word: thickebag. Please feel free to use in a sentence.

Bitch .

"I kept thinking, what if my kids had eaten it?"

Psh, when I get 100 balls for my birthday everyone just slut-shames me :(

Is Amy Adams perfect? Because I feel like she is perfect in every way. She probably poops strawberry yogurt and owns a stable of unicorns.

She's awesome.

When you're putting something hot in the blender just remove the little plastic circle thingie in the middle of the lid and cover the hole with a dish towel.

I'm not even done reading yet, but this? "I twisted the blender to disengage it. Instead of coming off intact, the glass pitcher unscrewed from its base, sending soup gooshing out the bottom. I screwed it back tight as fast as I could. There was soup in my shoe. I was so hungry."

As a millennial I see Harry Potter references as a major, valid way to relate to everyday existence.

...and noted Veela Gwyneth Paltrow

I'm betting Disney will be super-okay with this.

And like he just woke up from 1998. "Prozac nation?" Girl, bye.

In my deepest, darkest fantasies, Max and Nev are a couple, you guys. Shhhh!

This is the only reason to watch Catfish.

I love Melissa so much and hate Jenny so much I have a hard time reconciling in my brain they are related. I would be a much better cousin to Melissa than Jenny. Why not me?

I wonder what her goal was.

Oh Lindy, dat kitteh!! It's like a weird monkey-cat raised on nothing but Benny Hill!