Except for what life is like when you don't have money. Though "New York, I Love You" at least throws a bone this way.

How do you feel about people who text during movies?

I'd love to get this, but I can't even find anyone who wants to play Small Wonder Parcheesi with me.

Well, Roger Ailes died, so we got that going for us, too.

His entire presidential agenda is a bunch of subplots that go nowhere.

New lead-in for Hannity?

You don't have to wish - you could just decide to believe in it. That's the magic of these sorts of things.

Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you sit this next one out, stop talking for a while.

He does hate Mexican[s].

Eric Roberts just signed on to star in a film that will help launch McDonald's exclusive in-store video-streaming service.

Of the likes not seen since Weird Al released "Headline News."

Yeah. In Chicago, you have Cubs fans and White Sox fans, but in Austin, everyone is pretending they care about soccer.

Were you able to STOP POOPING long enough to enjoy it?

BUT SHE WAS TEXTING WHILE THE RACCOON WAS TALKING!!!!!!

Yeah. Fucking called it.

I was kind of joking when I suggested this would be a PWR BTTM redux, but clearly we will be seeing a daily update on this guy for the next week until that article is atoned for.

"PatriotHole" is Sean Hannity's nickname for his anus.

Mya Buttreeks.

I think his marriage cooled off because of questions regarding his spotted dick.

So? Queen Elizabeth moonlights as a private investigator.