“That’s right, sir, you are the only person authorized to do so. And although I, uh, hate to judge before all the facts are in, it’s beginning to look like, uh, General Ripper exceeded his authority.”

Fuck McCain. I wish the cancer had eaten his entire fucking brain.

John McCain is preparing to release a truly scathing statement (while continuing to vote in lockstep with the fattest, dumbest, oldest president.)

Another way to improve late night is to replace 2017 Stephen Colbert with 2012 Stephen Colbert.

You know what’s not easy on the eyes? That fucking hat.

Bauer blocked me over a year and a half ago for telling him that we should eat the rich.

He looks like something out of a Darren Rovell fever dream.

Because the NFL finally had the sense to pull the stick most of the way out of their ass.

it’s ok to celebrate touchdowns

Sounds like a terrible mother. Fuck her.

You’re full of shit, kids have always acted like this.

But it’s not from the official NFL shop. It’s clearly a knockoff.

He’s bad, but not as bad as Buzzy Cohen or Matt Jackson.

John’s brother Grady always was better at taking out the competition.

He also lies about being Jewish and uses a vaguely ethnic name to give him further cover, when in fact he was raised Catholic and his real name is Milo Hanrahan.

Do all Cleveland fans whine this much?

Minnesota not-so-nice

Because the players kneeling are right and these guys just hate black people who don’t want to be murdered?