As the infinitely wise Jack Handey once said, “If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”

He’s a nice guy, he’s just awful at Twitter.

My favorite part is that Neil is now unironically presenting the same takes as Alex Jones.

Jeff Fisher’s available.

In the garden shed.

But is it as tall?

When asked what his message to his o-line was, Petty replied, “Yer so bad.”

It’s the Ray Rice defense all over again.

What if it was a t-rex? What if it was a mechanical t-rex? What if it was a mechanical t-rex with LASER BEAM EYES?! Gee, these irrelevant hypotheticals sure are fun.

I didn’t realize Stephen A. Smith was a Deadspin commenter. You’re a hack, Stephen.

You know what else is dumb? Your dumb take.

Yo, fuck the police.

Francona also overused Kluber

He had to deal with Jay Cutler in TWO different places!

It isn’t often that Patrick Roy isn’t the craziest goalie on the ice.

The road was his end. His end was the road.

Actually, no, it’s not. Tackler doesn’t wrap up, this would have been an illegal tackle even on the ball-carrier.

First of all, that’s not even a legal rugby tackle as the guy doesn’t even wrap up.

So in season two the hosts just return to their loops? Kind of disappointing.

If he was wearing a uniform the Felix would be dead.