I wish. I'm traumatized for life. Even midget double amputee porn doesn't do it for me.

Sterling also states that his girlfriend is free to sleep with black men, as long as she doesn't bring them to Clippers games (or appear with them on Instagram).

So which of the four are you?

You forgot the gays, which turn former ghettos with high murder rates into beautifully rehabbed neighborhoods for everyone else.

Pretty sure the only thing they're trying to hide is their incompetence.

Ellen recently made a public statement about she didn't know her and Portia were getting divorced until she read about it in the tabloids... and that she was sad to find out that she is getting divorced.

You do realize that gay rights are only progressing because people are finally speaking out/coming out?

Isn't that the place the restaurant in Roseanne was based off of?

Yeah, but these fools that suck at sports (and likely read sports blogs to satisfy their dwindling testosterone) and get paid a pittance to shift packages around the globe all day think they're being cool. That's all that matters, right?

FedEx disagrees.

he gave me a slice, which was so nice of him! Especially because I told him up front why I was asking, so it wasn't as if he thought he was actually going to sell me a giant hunk of it. Do cheesemongers work on commission?

Thanks. I forgot this is Jezebel, where we're all a bit nicer.

They have access to private jets that can get you somewhere 1.5 to 2 times faster with none of the hassle. Said jets usually have divans that easily convert into beds so you can fly overnight and still sleep peacefully. If you're on a BBJ you even have a private suite with a shower.

Private jets get you very far, very fast. Plus, depending on your star power you can build days long breaks into your shooting schedules. What's interesting is one mag has them in their worst fight ever and their competitor has them in their hottest phase ever. Which is it?

You'd hate me then... I have freckles and can be in the sun for hours.

You ever manage to get out of that trailer park of yours?

Because equality is still not a thing... so famous people coming out pushes the movement forward in its own way.

We all think we're straight before we admit that we're gay. I personally know very few people that did not have a "straight stage," whether they were actively boning girls or just pretending to.

That's because we take into account the likely millions of guys living in the closet. You cannot deny that there are a ton. Just look at Congressional scandals for a hint.

Gawker Media has always been a news aggregator that adds its own spin. Just like HuffPo, Buzzfeed and many other sites. You're just now realizing that?