My personal preference is “please clap.” Read more

I’m going to vote for another goddamn lesser of two evil plutocrats, like I have in every election for the last 20 years, but I’m not going to be happy about it. Read more

I think it’s pretty good for Mormons. What else are they going to with? Show your shoulders like a whore burn in hell for evermore? Say that’s not bad... Read more

The only thing worse than a cheating liar is a lazy cheating liar. To quote an old Garfield cartoon, your lying to me isn’t half as upsetting as the credit you’re giving my intelligence. Read more

Classical. How could you be married to Bill and not use “In the Hall of the Mountain King” as background music every time he walked down the hallway towards you? Read more

I am 92% positive these are the same person.

I’m a millennial and I can explain each front-runner in 5 words or less. Don’t bother with the Tinder cards, my friends.

1. Crazy bigot
2. Canadian bigot
3. Woman who dislikes security protocol
4. Old Justin Trudeau Read more

If only Warren was running we wouldn’t have this false feminism bullshit. Read more

This is delightful, and since Google autocompletes differently on different days and in different regions, I tried making my own. Apparently I’m a rather creepy girl named Earl who’s really into dancing? I’m pretty okay with the job where I get drunk and then make laws, though. That sounds fun.
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“If this is gonna be that kind of party, imma stick my dick in the mashed potatoes!” Read more

We should also ban vomiting. IT'S ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND HEAVE. Read more

"If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something" Read more

This is so sweet. This guy looked like he needed some good news in his life. Read more

You mean, due to the (slight) erosion of stereotypes about gender and work that today's "post-modern" female can, with the slightest click of a few google-pages, figure out how to re-hook that asshole part of the toilet tank that always slips off the small chain at the bottom of the tank thus making you stick your arm Read more