I have twins. I painted their toenails to tell them apart. And also for fun.

Just the other day, I had my sunglasses on top of my head. I leaned into my car to get groceries out in such a way that I hit my sunglasses on the roof, grinding them into my skull, which really freaking hurts. So, of course, like a logical adult, I flung the sunglasses into the opposite car door. I punished the…

Oh, I have a flirting with sharp objects story! When I was about 18, I worked in a very classy steakhouse that sold bottled beer. One of the other waiters had a leeetle crush on me, and also was kind of a dork (which makes sense, as I am more than kind of a dork) and really, really wanted to impress me with some…

the missing word in your last sentence is killing me! Your sister got to kiss Jared Leto? Punch him? What?

I totally did that, just not at the Van's Warped Tour. It was instead at the 99.5 KISS FM Crawfish Festival. I think Nickleback was the headliner. I am ashamed.

I use "sober lifestyle" mostly to refer to people who have made a conscious choice to completely abstain ftom alcohol and other drugs—-generally recovering alcoholics/addicts, but I guess Mormons would fit the bill, too. But I know a lot more alcoholics than I do Mormons.

they should have a baby.

now that Tim Burton is single again, I can't help but picture the three of them creepily hanging out, trying to pick up girls together.

thank you for confirming that this happened. I couldn't decide if I really saw that, or if I fell asleep and dreamed that Marilyn Manson and Carol Brady were super smart and into each other (in the dark, dark days before DVR, I sleep-watched Politically Incorrect a lot)

I'm not sure trolling on reddit is really possible. Reddit is sort of a bridge unto itself.

Because it's a tradition to stay up and ring in the new year, and Cherenkov* naturally want to participate?

you just have to move to the Pacific or Mountain Time Zone before tonight, so he can watch all that craziness at 9 or 10 pm.

I lived in the Mountain Time Zone when my kids were little, so the ball drop in NYC was televised at our 10 PM. Worked pretty well; the kids were up two hours past bedtime instead of four and they got to actually ring in the new year.

damn phone. Disgusting.

The fact that lemon Oreos exist is more is gusting than this video.

I always think he looks like a middle school gym teacher.

Wow. I'm really sorry. All I can think is that maybe your husband has some learned helplessness issues that he needs to deal with and/or he was just overwhelmed by the situation. When I get too afraid of doing the wrong thing, I sometimes end up doing nothing which is worse or just as bad—-maybe there's some of…

Whoah! Did Grandma mention the toaster before the holiday or anything?

wtf. Your SIL is a piece of work.

ah! My aunt is very sweet, not very seat! Stupid phone...