It isn't often that you get invited to an orgy. But then, it isn't often that you would want to go.

after drinking too many large French 75s that were mostly gin, I convinced myself I had accidentally dropped my only expensive piece of jewelry -a gorgeous Tibetan silver ring with two intricate ram heads in it- down a friend's toilet. Spoiler: I had taken the ring off at home and forgotten to put it back on.

Been there, my friend. Been there.

Hmm...in my experience, fivesomes are like student group projects - two or three people do all of the good work, while the rest do a little busy work and then grow bored or lazy and later brag to their friends about feats they never did.

My birthday is in late December, and the festivities for my 21st got a little out of hand. The end result of this was that I ended up with a black eye, and subsequently with a new drivers license picture featuring said black eye, since my license expired on my birthday, and the nice lady at the DMV wouldn't let me…

Let the one among us who has not also done this be the first to rebuke you.

I feel asleep, sober, at 9PM, hugging an empty bag of Cheetos.

The worse thing I've done on New Year's Eve is eat an entire jar of spicy cheese dip (Tositos queso). I'm about to open a jar so it looks like that is my new (terrible) tradition.

Attempted to lose my virginity w/ some liquid courage, actually just vomited on myself while naked and crying.

John Mayer is an aggressively incorrigible flirt. I met him in 2000 when he was performing in a trio in a club where I worked in the booking office. When the guys all first arrived at the club to do sound check, John came bounding into the booking office asking anyone within earshot, "Who's in charge of getting the…

Yeah, people are overthinking it. If a guy chews with his mouth closed and owns a bar of soap, he's already in the top 20%. It's not like he needs some kind of superpower beyond being cute and playing guitar.

He's cute and can play guitar.

Lol forever @ "hypnotic douche magic"

You deserve all the stars for the reference.

not there there is anything wrong with that.

Alan Rickman is on it, never fear.

I don't think Blake is thirsty at all. I think she has been told her thoughts are interesting and profound her entire life because she has the hair of an actual mermaid and a good looking white girl face and now legit believes it. She isn't thirsty for attention, people give her attention because they are thirsty for…

I just sharted myself. That's when u fart and u shit yourself on accident!

Yes, it takes persistence to keep replying, despite the high probability that your comment will never reach human eyes. James Franco-levels of self importance, that what you have to say is so apt, it still must be said, even if it simply fades into the ether-

HELLO WORLD ARLO AND I STAN GOODMAN NOW