Food poisoning is by far the worst simply because of the likelihood that you will shit yourself WHILE vomiting your brains out. This is not fun.

When I was a kid, the most annoying, repetitive thing my dad would yell was, “Jesus Fucking Christ, we should have had the abortion!"

Running in the zoo seems like a good choice. It’ll sure as shit make everyone who sees you think “What the fuck are they running from?”

Oddly shaped men in baseball uniforms you say?

“Looking good, Cody...”

I went to a White Sox game a few weeks ago and saw a guy in a Dustin Hermanson jersey. I missed a few pitches staring at that asshole.

It’s just as satisfying to shit talk a cheetah whether you have kids or not.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with going to the zoo as an adult with no kids. Anyone who says otherwise is a communist.

bathed in his sweaty fur

They should be required to wear lots of caps.

In a general sense, it’s abhorrent that someone could commit this crime and not automatically get life without parole. But I have a feeling that any parole board 25 years from now would take one look at the crimes and slam the “rejected” stamp on his application so hard it would break the table in half.

Actually, my Amish made furniture is quite well constructed, thank you very much.

Women and gay dudes are born with gills for that very reason!

Thank goodness it’s completely unnecessary to breathe while sucking a dick.

I love that review. Humor aside, and the fact that it would look ridiculous, this thing does meet a need.

Another fun time: My roommate didnt know that I sometimes slept in my walk in closet when I knew I would be hungover the next morning so the sun wouldnt wake me up. So one morning my roomie and a buddy bust in my room trying to scare me but there was nobody in the bed. I hear them saying...

Years ago me and a buddy smuggled ALOT of Valium back from Mexico which started a six month period that I cannot remember clearly considering I was also drinking a 12 pack a night. One night sticks in my memory: I was high as a kite on pills and Jack and decided to heat up some leftover Dominos so I put the oven on…

Brooklyn pizza is meh.

Spoken like someone who has never been high at 4am before.

This reminds me of the time we got really high and at 4am we tried to grill a cold Domino’s Stuffed Crust pizza. It almost started a fire that burned the entire porch down. We argued over the cause of the inferno. Was it the extra cheese? The grease? Turns out you need to take it out of the box first. I really wish…