My wife and daughter can have all the Halloween candy in the house. I have a stash of ChocoLove bars in the cabinet, some 70% cocoa and some 55% with coffee nibs, cherries and chilies, that kind of thing. If I'm eating chocolate, I want to taste the chocolate.

What was wrong with that? I had a different interpretation. Do you know anything about this pretzel guy? Maybe he's been in the bar a really long time, and he's really depressed, cause he has no job and no woman and he's parking cars for a living.

Diese Bizkitzeln machen mich durstig.

These are the Durst of times, my friends.

*plays above video for own collection of self-styled puppets*

Six hours later, I feel like Linus waiting for the Great Pumpkin. I still believe she will appear.

What's that candy-corn-looking Hat have to say about this? Show yourself, you Hat who looks like a candy corn, you.

It might not have occurred to the artist that nobody who would get this is going to get this, or that might be the very realization that drove the artist to create this in the first place, the artist being, after all, a fucking artist. Hello?

He was playing my next door neighbor from a previous residence. Really. It was a real person, and that is why it's so much funnier than some imaginary Target lady, who, yeah, ha ha wouldn't it be weird if someone acted like that?

Ulna have to say, this is my favorite comment of the day.

I laughed more at this SNL than I have in years, and I have been subjecting myself to every damned one since forever.

Oh, get a tomb, you two.

A pretty little puppy, yes you are. Yes you are.

Damn it. Damn it to Hell.

YOUR MOTHER SEWS SOCKS THAT SMELL

If the DJ were hung, it would take an LP rather than a 45 to cover that.

*contracts*

Or an air-horn mid rusty trombone.

I got your contraction right here, buddy. Seriously, the pool water was really cold.

*toilet-papers Archmage's house for archaic use of apostrophe in Halloween.*