I felt really bad for O.J. Simpson until I remembered I don’t give a shit about anyone’s fantasy football team, and also that time he killed his ex-wife and a waiter.

I’m so excited to have a new brain genius in profession sports. Like, Kyrie just got served. 

Andrew Luck 2012: *Takes a sack* Great job, man. Insane hustle. You really got me.

Andrew Luck 2019: You even just look at the ceiling and wish you could stop existing? Like, not die, but just POOF and cease being altogether. Maybe it’s nothing but motionless, soundless black. Complete emptiness. Nothingness. But it’s…

Goddamn it, I thought this was a no-kink-shaming zone.  Some of us are quite fond of the notaries...  the gathering of identification, the collection of personal information...  oh man, the signing.  The STAMP!  Imma need a minute.

Really? When referring to a body if notaries I always used the “notariate”.

Yeah, totally agree. I had to go by the FedEx store to get something notorized one time. Dude was a hardcore as fuck ride or die motherfucker.

This gets my stamp of approval. 

That’s true of most owners, but that doesn't make it any less true in the case of the Irsays 

What’s more is that Irsay is only rich because of his dad. Imagine Luck inheriting Mannings Colts stats and then saying “Hey I’m setting records here!” Generational wealth to that degree is a plague

Hope his okay now. My aunt lost the tip of her pinkie in a horrific stamping accident. She will never sip tea the same way again.

The average NFL career is 3.3 years. That’s significantly lower than NBA (4.8), NHL (5.5), and MLB (5.6). Obviously, there are factors other than “desire to play” (e.g., injuries), but I’m guessing that means there are a significant amount of players walking away in their prime, particularly given the fact that the…

I was taken aback, and impressed in a weird way, that the name for a body of notaries was “the notary.”

The NFL will never tap into foreign markets. They have tried for decades and it always fails.

But you may have accidentally generated a new meme.

This is precisely why Eisenhower warned us about the Notary-Industrial Complex. 

The fact that the NFL has made itself into a weekly orgy of vaguely fashy American nationalism can only hurt the popularity of the sport outside the US.

Don’t undersell my man Kesey like that! I’m sure he was on WAY more drugs than Irsay. He could just handle his shit like an adult.

Also, he plays for a team with a demented goober billionaire owner on more narcotics than an entire bus of Merry Pranksters who spent years staffing an offensive line of folding chairs while Luck earned a medical degree by observing his shoulder reconstruction. Destroying your body for those fans? How many years can…

I asked Nick and Emma if they could tell me the truth about fluoride but they declined, saying my brain “wasn’t activated yet.”

Two of the best players to come out of Duke think the world is flat, dinosaurs didn’t exist, 9/11 may or may not have been an inside job, and do “research” by reading random instagram pages. I blame Coach K.