That may seem excessive but that is roughly the amount of cocaine I’d need to make a cruise seem enjoyable.

When my son was four, he walked in on me watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He stared at the women on screen for a moment and said “Why...why are they all dressed like animals?”

If I get to Hell and it doesn’t look like Times Square, I am going to be genuinely perplexed.

The less popular sequel to Brokedown Palace when the women were guilty from the start and there’s no drama or character building.

“He hit me just like euthanasia, his loving causes hip dysplasia...mumble mumble”. (I feel like I catch a quarter of her lyrics? She could be reading the latest Dan Brown book aloud, I would not know.)

I’m totally down with Asian style bowing though. When I travel there, I find myself doing those little bobs of acknowledgement to people for a few weeks afterward.

The agreement between you and me right now is at 100%. Lets not hug and not kiss as a symbol of our bond.

Sorry about that - it wasn't the older part that shook me, it was the sudden over-familiarity with a widely-recognized authority figure. Like if I were watching TV with the Dali Lama and reached for the remote and instead brushed up against his nuts. I'm gonna throw my shovel over the top of my hole and quit while I'm…

Sometimes going in for a hug has unintended consequences. Went in for a hug with my mother-in-law one Christmas eve and unintentionally brushed my hand across one of her breasts due to an unfortunate mis-choreographed docking maneuver. My left hand still cringes involuntarily at the memory. Moral of the story: “don’t…

Old enough to be unrelentingly cruel, not old enough to understand the consequences. Middle school is ROUGH.

Didn't you hear? Gallagher switched over to onions.

As someone who ate lunch alone in school at one point, then with 1 other person, then with 2 other people. This is a huge deal. And now I’m late for my meeting because I can’t walk in crying.

Great. Now I’m crying in a McDonald’s. And it's not for any of the usual reasons.

called herself “the most hated person in the world.”

Not at Rite Aid? Wow, look who’s trying to class up the joint!

Basically this, its such a shocking thing that it takes a second to really believe that someone just did that.

That gif isn't real. You know how I know? Because he didn't grab his left boob as he laughed.

This is my workplace exactly. I’ve even sat in multiple buildings on our campus and it’s the same everywhere. Just ABSOLUTE DEAD MOTIONLESS SILENCE, so then I feel like I’m making a ton of noise and it’s so awkward. I always want to be like “GO AHEAD AND FINISH POOPING, IT’S FINE, IT’S A BATHROOM. I KNOW THERE’S…

Outstanding parody. 10/10, would visit this bathroom again!

Oh, fuck that noise. I try to make it sound like that scene from Austin Powers with Tom Arnold in the next stall when some fool is in the bathroom with me talking on the phone. There is a time and place for everything and the restroom is not the place for a phone conversation.