Yes. :(

I started dating someone who wasn’t a vegetarian I reintroduced eggs and dairy. But mostly cheese.

I’m a vegetarian. I was a vegan for 7 years. The entire time I was reading this, I wanted someone to throw a fucking shoe at you. It’s like you’re so close to having a point and then you suddenly see a cliff and think, “I SHOULD JUMP OFF OF THIS CLIFF OF ABSURDITY INSTEAD!” Stop. Please. Just stop.

Okay, serious question that may be easily misconstrued, but whatever.

Pretty sure he’s saying that his first divorce was as bad as his brother’s death, there.

Still a better love story than Twilight. Or 50 Shades. Can’t wait for the movie!

Eh, your options are limited in New Orleans, but it’s far from impossible. Hell, just go to Dreamy Weenies. They’ll take care of you.

Siri is trying to erase history! Quick, someone explain that the confederate flags can’t melt steel beams! The civil war wasn’t about Olympic medals! Rabble rabble!

Let’s say we’re both walking down the street. I am a haphazard, reckless sort of person so I accidentally stomp on your foot while I’m walking. Maybe I break a toe or two. Does your foot hurt? Does the knowledge that I didn’t intend to step on your foot unbreak your toes? I was being careless, but I sincerely didn’t…

She reads Food Babe. You know she does. You know it.

If we’re just appealing all willy-nilly, I’d be appalled if we didn’t take this opportunity to appeal to the Ministry of Silly Walks.

I mean, okay. America. You’re pretty okay, sometimes, when you’re not being a raging asshole. You’re not so great then. But you’re pretty okay the rest of the time.

Makes sense. The gay sex things I could probably do now thanks to occult yoga could easily topple a country or seven.

All I’m saying is you can do amazing things when you’re mixing guacamole and greek yogurt. Just don’t try to pretend it’s still guac because it isn’t.

I love green peas.

We’ll let you know how Wyoming feels as soon as they figure out what the internet is so they can figure out what a gorilla is.

Great. First I’m not good enough for murderer in prison and now I can’t compete with a gorilla.

I’ve ghosted friends before. If I ever try to pull that, “but it was really hard for me,” nonsense I will slap the shit out of myself. There are some valid reasons, but those valid reasons are rarely in play. It’s just a shitty thing to do to another person most of the time and I was an asshole for doing it.

I don’t know, man. I’m taking a pretty big self-esteem hit here when I realize I’m not even up to the standards of this guy. Womp womp womp.

This is basically why I gave up on writing. I need to eat and make a living, but that will never happen because I will never be bad enough to be successful.

So...