I was trying to prove to my kids I could ride a bike still. Hopped on, started going down the driveway faster than I anticipated, squeezed the hand brakes and flew over the handlebars and did a complete face plant. I ended up with scrapes on my mouth and nose and a sprained hand. Also, my “mom” bladder released on…

Drunk on vodka, I headed down the spiral staircase to my bedroom. Got to the second step from the bottom and tripped. As I fell I caught my left foot in the stair and I could feel something ripping in my knee. Tried to stand up but couldn’t so hobbled to bed & passed out. 

Let me tell you the story of my European vacation. It was my son’s high school graduation and we decided to take a family vacation to Italy since it’s getting less and less likely we’ll be able to take family vacations with jobs and college and all. So we splash out on 10 days in the mother country. We are delayed by…

When I was 14 or so my habit was to have a cup of tea every day before school. One morning I poured my boiling water into the cup on the table, sat down and immediately knocked it off the table into my lap. I was wearing my school uniform skirt whose heavy fabric & pleats allowed the boiling water to pool perfectly…

I was 8. Sitting cross legged on my bed reading a book, huched over it, because I did not want to go to school. When called out by my older sister to get going I moved my up head a bit too fast. Dislocated my neck, just trough the movment.

Summer when I was 16. I had just had my jaw surgically broken and reset to try to cure my migraines (it did not work), so my jaw was wired shut and my face was swollen to about the size of a soccer ball. After about a week of healing I finally felt well enough to shuffle my way outside onto the deck to get some fresh…

Ooooh...I’d say the dumbest way I’ve ever hurt myself was when I was twelve and thought to myself “what would happen if I put my finger between two rapidly-spinning mixers on a hand-held mixer?” Answer: a layer of skin whipped off and into my mother’s custard, that’s what. (I’m fine, btw, and we gave the custard with…

I managed to stab myself in the leg with a scalpel while trimming flash off of a lead D&D miniature I was preparing to paint. Due to the force I was putting into the cut, when I made it my hand glanced off the table weirdly and the next stop was my thigh, and deeply so. After staring at it like an idiot, I hobbled…

I consented to being tied by my wrists to the headboard of a lady friend-with-benefits’ bed.

I injured myself with a National Geographic magazine.

Well. I was in my early 20s and worked as a front desk clerk at a major hotel. I was in the break room, when one of my co-workers was said something about wanting a Pepsi but she had left her wallet back at the front desk.

Dumbest thing ever, eh?

Oof. My pride is about to take a serious beating.

(Let it be known that I’m only telling this story to get Kidlet to tell his own personal Christmas Story debacle...)

I chopped the tip of my thumb off while trying to make guacamole. (Funny enough, it was the onion that got me and not the avocado.)

I was messing around with a Vacu Vin — those wine saver jobbies that pump the air out of an open bottle of wine — and discovered that its suction properties meant I could attach it to my forehead. So I pranced around and shouted, “Look at me! I’m a UNICORN!” (there was drink taken). When the Vacu Vin came off, there…

I don’t remember exactly what I was doing, but while screwing around with a ballpoint pen in 10th grade math, I managed to stab myself deep in the nose (felt like my brain, tbh) & had the most enormous bloody nose ever. Not a good look for a guy at the top of his class. I’ve been kicked in the face during soccer games…

Starting from when I was a kid to now:

At age thirteen I was tilling up the garden with a pitchfork , bare foot of course. I was done for the day so I plunged the pitchfork into the ground but my foot was kinda in the way. I pulled the sucker out right away. It didn’t hurt that much until I noticed blood coming out of bothsides of my foot. Amazingly enough…

Here is the sequence of events:

Working on my basketweaving merit badge. I was cutting a reed with my pocket knife, slipped and sliced open the inside of my left ankle. Still have the scar.
 
Cleaning a pool. I was walking with the vacuum in front of my face and stepped right in to the trap on the side of the pool. Someone had taken off the cover to…