Wait, THIRTY-nine? With a three?

Pretty cool that the President of the United States has very, very dementia.

This is one of the greatest comments in internet history.

I’m assuming you’re aware of how good this is. Just in case you’re not, it’s really, really fucking good.

Hello there, fellow sporting events enthusiast! Would you like to discuss today’s various athletic contests?

I’m so glad I put Eaton in my lineup; I’m going to dominate my bubblegum fantasy league this week.

I bet I can guess his ATM code...

“...Phelps swam in lane 4, next to Lochte in lane 5.”*

Wow. I’m incredibly fortunate I didn’t have to grow up like that. I know a lot of kids do. Maybe even most...

I feel like you probably have a lot of interesting stories...

You know perfectly well that won’t work: If you go to Home Depot to buy a specific item, the moment you walk into the store that item will be out of stock or, more likely, discontinued. As a corollary, if you had any other items you were planning to pick up while you were there you will immediately forget what they…

Yeah, right. Like the crony would get to ask that many questions...

Dear Shoryuken!,

These Olympics bear remarkable similarity to the result of introducing an ignition source into combustible refuse being stored temporarily in a large metal container.

How about, “fetid fecal lagoon?”

Or even, “Brazil Sets Brazil Ablaze.”

Yes! That is my first and only thought whenever I come across anything related to synchronized swimming.

Umm, hello?! I believe you mean “excellent parents."

A lot of people have no stopping thing.

“Quelle absurdité blanche est-ce?”